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News for July 2008

People Don’t Seem to Understand Me

 More and more each day I feel like most people just don’t seem to understand me and my reactions/feelings. The other day like I said, I was starting to get angry during the conversation because I felt like she was attacking me. Intellectually I knew she wasn’t but I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling of it. Each moment that went on, I got angrier and angrier as I felt like I was being attacked more and more. I could feel myself about ready to lose my temper so I told her I need to go because I was getting angry and didn’t want to take it out on her.

well yesterday I sent her this msg:

Jason said

don’t have time right now..but wanted to say, sorry about having to run the other night…I know it wasn’t what you were doing but I was starting to feel like I was being attacked…and didn’t want to take it out on you since logically I knew that wasn’t the intent…ttyl

‘friend’ says:
no prob, I should know better than to try to help

Sigh, such comments are just so frustrating for me. It just continues to make me feel misunderstood at best…smh…Right now I swear only one person I know really understands me. Some friends who don’t really understand but they try to understand and on some level do understand and even empathize. Thankfully they don’t react like this friend of mine or like ‘nameless woman’.

Now when it comes to ‘nameless woman’. Smh. I am totally disappointed with her, she goes on and on about how important her faith in Christ is, how important the teachings are, how her faith is the center of who she is yet when someone she loves needs her, she turns her back on them. Smh. I told her that the other day and it didn’t go over well *chuckle*. I really thought and believed I could count on her to help me, now I wonder if she is the person I always believed she was. I just don’t know anymore. At least now I know not to depend on her for any help, so I won’t let it upset me. For the first time she has truly failed me and disappointed me. I don’t think I have ever been more disappointed in anyone in my life than I am right now with her.

I should have known better than to trust someone who by their own definition was having an affair on their husband of 25 years despite her deep devotion to her faith. I should have taken A’s advice back in October and rid myself of ‘nameless woman’ then when she had the tantrum over me going to that conference. I think she was right, what was it she called ‘nameless woman’, poison or toxic, well either way I should have listened. Of course I know she will tease me about it when she reads this. Lol. ”see I have told you a lot of times you should listen to me” LOL. Or something like that. Its a good old running tease/joke between us, but 99.9% of the time, it turns out that I should have listened to her lol. Next time I will have to remember to listen…I can’t do much worse than some of my choices lately lmao…

Edited: July 26th, 2008

Change in Focus

OK, lately I have been focused on everything “wrong” in my life. I am going to try to decide consciously to look at the exciting things that I have coming up in my life instead; especially, things that help people and work on my plans for various events and activities. I was reading a book the last few days about the brain and how it works. One thing it was saying is that the brains neural paths are not “locked down” at a certain age as was previously believed, but can be retrained overtime. Part of one way that this can be done, is by sheer repetition and a conscious effort to try and “re-learn” certain things.

Please do not quote me on this right now, I believe that is what it said, I will look it up tonight and post some quotes from the book.

I do remember it was about the Merzenich monkey study. They had a pellet of food in a cup and left it in front of the cages so that the monkeys could reach and grab it. Over time they were able to do just that, they kept trying and learning to manipulate their hands in different ways to accomplish what they wanted. During these exercises they mapped their brain and saw that certain areas of the brain grew larger during these events. As they mastered the cup they started shrinking the cup size and repeated the process four times. By the time they got to the fourth cup, the process was well learned and a “standard” function. At this point the same area that had grown, now returned to its normal size allowing the neurons to be used for other learning. This leads to the premise that with enough repetition and perhaps dedication to a task ,we can make at least certain actions “standard” where they did not exist before or were “malformed.”

Another example they citied was a woman who has Autism and now holds a Ph.D. and some of the things she did to improve her life. I will get more details on this when I get home. One thing of special note with her, is that it was not just motor skills that she retrained herself with, she trained herself how to negotiate with people by reading/listening to some negotiations from Camp David. She then applied the concepts to her needs and life and picked up this skill.

So for now, I will focus on the various treatment options I have available, finding the right type for me, the right doctor and treatment center, etc as well as the upcoming NAMI walk and my plans for my college next year. So, now I am going to try to focus on these things when I start going down the wrong path, and try to “force” myself to think differently and retrain my thought process.

Sounds like fun!

Yes, I am serious not sarcastic. These things are fun to me and exciting.

Edited: July 25th, 2008

More Early Morning Ramblings

Right now part of me wants to run away from everyone important to me so they don’t have to watch me fight this battle and have these breakdowns. I don’t want them to see me wither and fail. I don’t want them to know how much of a screwup and failure I am.

If I hide they won’t see, they won’t know. Some of the most important people ever in my life already know that I am though.

They have suffered enough watching me fall apart this much haven’t they, why put them through more. At the same time though, I want to run to them and beg them to help me. Is it selfish to put them through this because I can’t get through it alone.

Edited: July 22nd, 2008

I Really Should Get Out of Bed

I have been in bed all day, crying mostly. Curling up into a ball at times, cover pulled up all the way. I should get out of bed but see no point in it. Nothing to look forward to if I got out of bed.

What’s the point.

Edited: July 22nd, 2008

Just Another Shit Day

I am still in bed at 1:30p today. I have only been up to have a few sips of soda and go to the bathroom. I have no desire to get up. I can’t even watch tv because I have no tv in this room. Obviously, I called out of work today.
Thank goodness for huge time differences, I called Debra last night at 4:30a which was 6:30 or 7:30p for her and cried for over an hour. I don’t know how she puts up with it or me. I suppose it’s because when she tells me it’s because she is my friend and loves me, it is true, of that I have never had doubts. I don’t know she feels helpless and has no idea how to help me but knowing she is there, loves me and cares means a lot. It’s also good her being on the other side of the world at times like this, though I wish we could talk more often.
My friend Mary is another dear friend that I know loves me and cares about me as a friend. Her life is always busy and she is fed up with the net. Like me she seems to have a good run of bad luck, even worse than mine because her problems normally are worse. So as a result we almost never see each other.
Last, but definitely not least there is ‘A’. Out of all the people I know and consider dear and precious friends, she is the only one I know who truly understands me and has not only been there but been there worse than me I would wager. She and I may rarely ever have time to talk, she has shown me that she cares and that she is my friend. When she said she believed in me to get through this the other day, it made such a positive difference for me. It is so good to know that she is around even if we can’t spend time talking, just knowing helps, because I can still feel her concern and caring.
Even though I have little time to talk to any of them,it is still wonderful knowing that their love, concern and friendship is there for me, especially now. That if I reach out to them when I fall or start to fall they will do their best to catch me.
I am honored and blessed

Edited: July 22nd, 2008

This is Getting Insane

In the span of 10 – 15 min I have gone from baseline to depressed to angry to depressed. How much more can I take before cracking in half.
I want to reach out for help but I am afraid no one will be there and I will fall into a dark endless abyss. I said it before and will again. Help me obi-wan kenobi.

To my friends, I love you to the ends of the universe and for all time, no matter how bumpy the road. I never give up on my friends and I just hope they don’t give up on me now.

Edited: July 22nd, 2008

Part of the Human Race


That’s all I want, to feel part of the human race again. I just feel so alone and isolated tonight.

Intellectually, I know it has to get better, that there are ways to make it better, but it is hard to believe that right now.

I need some kind of support network. It seems like so few people understand what I am going through. Maybe I can get in touch with Stephanie. She and I got along well and we understand each other well. That is what I need more than anything, people I get along with and that understand not just me but I am dealing with right now.

This is one fight I can’t afford to lose. While I don’t fear death, I am in no rush to embrace it either.

Edited: July 22nd, 2008

Lashing Out

Right now I have a pair of emotions coursing through my veins..anger and pain…..The pain keeps feeding the anger in me…the anger wants to come bursting forward and rip into someone so badly…At times it is very hard to keep that anger held back…..the more alone, the more lonely I get, the more I hurt, the more I hurt the more angry I get…most of the time the anger peaks but starts to dissipate…but I can recall it fairly easily, especially if more hurt comes along….thankfully, I can usually feel when my anger is starting to come forth and can take myself out of any situations that would bring it out against someone…of course I have been dealing with this shit on and off in varying degrees since at least high school, thats about 22 years since I entered HS, and 18 since I graduated…most of that time has been without any therapists..I have been to few therapists/psychiatrists. I think all total before this current pair, I have had one psychiatrist and three therapists, now I have one of each..so a grand total of 6..most of the “advances” I have made,so to speak, have been done on my own.

Edited: July 22nd, 2008

A Very Bad Day

Note: This entry provides details of my emotional state on July 15, 2008 and contains items that may trigger negative responses in some people. Please read with caution.

Ugh, today was the worst day yet. Every day that goes by things, get harder and worse than the day before. Whoever said, “time heals all wounds” was clueless.

Today I got up and went to see the Dalai Lama as planned and got to the 9:30am session. During the session, I started freaking out. I started crying. I felt like I needed just to run out of the place. It took everything that I had not to leave, the only reason I did not give in and leave was because of how much I respect him and his teachings. He is in my opinion the greatest and best living man, unlike so many other public figures, especially religious ones, he teaches only peace, compassion and responsibility, I have never heard him say anything mean or hateful about someone, even the Chinese government that represses and has illegally occupied Tibet for almost 60 years.

As much as I have looked forward to this trip, it has really sucked. I have not been able to focus or pay any real attention to his teachings because I all I could do was focus on the pain. This trip is a waste of over 1000$ and what may be a once in a lifetime chance at these teachings.

Back to today, as I said, I wanted to run and I was crying. Every little sound made me angry, the person behind me kept blowing their nose and another kept scratching his leg. Then he would scratch it for 5 minutes at a time I swear and loudly. God it annoyed me. I wanted to punch them both in the mouth, I was so angry.

I decided not to stay for the 2nd session and instead came back to room. On the way home, my panic attack hit full force. I just had to keep moving. It took all my self-control again not to start running people of the road and running red lights. Whenever I was stopped, all I could think was “I have to keep moving, I got to go, I got to go, I got to get back to my room”. My heart was racing, I was having random chest pains, I was crying my eyes out and I could not get control of it.

Therefore, at the nameless one’s insistence, since she called me, I called my therapist and then my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist called in a script for Xanax for me, which I just picked up. He said take one as needed, but with as bad as I have been I took one right away since I am sure I would have had another one later tonight.

The only thing that has kept me sane at all, and prevented me from losing it all together was the hotel staff, well especially one person. Her name is Shannie; she has one of those caring natures, where she cares about her fellow human beings even if she does not know them. I go down to the front desk every evening to stand and talk to her for hours on end. She keeps me smiling and laughing while I am there, lets me talk to her about what is bothering me and upsetting me. She never even gave me a look of disinterest or irritation. She lets me ramble on and gets me talking about other things to take my mind off my troubles. If she had not been here, I do not know how I would have gotten through this week. She has been a Godsend for sure. I can never thank her enough or repay her kindness. The best I could do was to get her a thank you card today for all the help she has given me, probably without even realizing how much it has meant to me.

 It probably sounds pathetic, but going to talk to her at the desk has been the high point of my days. It sucks being alone and having no friends to talk to, either on line or in r/t. I feel so isolated and unimportant.

Last night I accidentally knocked the hair dryer into the sink, looked at it, and thought how easy it would be to fill the sink turn the dryer on and shove my hands or face into it and be done with my pain and life. Obviously, I did not and I never seriously considered it.

Edited: July 15th, 2008


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