About me

Welcome to Rising Phoenix

My name is Jason, I am a 40 year old male with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and, occasional anxiety attacks, and I am an emotional masochist. While I was only diagnosed in 2007, I have known that I was bipolar for almost twenty years.

During those twenty years bipolar disorder has wreaked a great deal of havoc on my life, but it has also provided me with a different way of seeing things. This difference has at times provided an advantage over others because it has allowed me to find more creative and unique solutions to problems.

It has provided me with intense emotions and emotional reactions, which have often led to problems for me. The worst has to be my anger problems.

When I am in an episode, my rage burns white hot. This rage more than anything else has led to the most problems for me. It has cost me jobs, friends and relationships.

Alternately, I also struggle with depression fueled by excessive self-imposed guilt. When I am in a depressive state the intensity of my depression equals the intensity of my rage.

For most of the twenty years, I suffered with severe self-doubt and inadequatecy issues. I always ‘knew’ I was a failure and loser. Even when I was succeeding I always ‘knew’ someone would find out that it was ask a rouse, that in reality I was really a failure. No amount of success, no amount of praise, ever made a difference to me; I always believed I was going to fail. In fact, the more I succeed, the more I was praised, the worse my feeling of being a failure became.

Comments

Comment from John Carter - 2012/03/27 at 01:46

Good blogging going on here. I have bookmarked your site and will be back next time.

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