News for February 2014

My Reflection

Today on the way home from work I was standing in front of the door on the Metro. As I stood waiting from my stop, I saw my reflection in the window. What I saw would be upsetting to most people, maybe even triggering to some.

The following may be triggering to some as I describe what I saw looking back at me in the window in the next two paragraphs.

What I saw looking back at me was death. My eyes were empty, vacant, hollow, sunken and dark. There was no happiness, joy, or hope in them. They were full of pain, sorrow, loneliness and exhaustion. There was no glimmer of life at all.

Then I saw my mouth. There was no smile, not even a small one. The corners were turned down. Not only could I see my mouth, but I could feel the expression on my face. I could feel my facial muscles being pulled down. It was like I had five pounds weights on either side.

The sad part is I wasn’t really feeling depressed or being judgemental. I was just observing my own reflection. It would be like me looking in the mirror and noticing I had dark hair or that when I smile I have a simple on each side.

It is amazing the toll the last few months have taken on me.

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Edited: February 27th, 2014

TW: Update

Trigger Warning:  Since I haven’t been writing much lately, I figured I would share an update of how things are going. Here is an email I sent to a friend. It should be read with caution as it can be triggering to a number of people.

I just looked at the calendar, and I am off that Monday, 02/17 and could probably afford to take Tuesday off to travel home on that day. I would just need to leave early enough to get home in time to pick up Miffy and watch Supernatural. 

I desperately want to come up and see you and everyone else. Even if not that weekend, at some point soon, but as badly as I want to come up, I am scared to come up. I am in such a horrible place these days that I do not want to bring anyone else down or put anyone “at risk”. I want and need to see you guys so badly though. 

Dave has asked if there was anything he could do, even offered to come down. Problem is, there is nothing anyone can really do right now. I get up for work at about 5:00-5:30a and do not get home until about 5:30-6p. Then it is often scratch a cat, maybe choke down some food and change clothes before running off to see Anne. I finally get home around 8:00-9:00p, maybe watch a little TV, collapse in bed and pray that there are no disasters at the rehab center that require me to get dressed and drag my less than happy ass back to the center.

Most people do not realize how bad it is for me. There are days when I do not care if I am dead or existing. I will not call it being ‘alive’ because right now all I can really say is that I exist. The only time I really smile or laugh is at work, and mostly because I have to put on that ‘Confessor face’ and pretend that, my existence does not suck totally. I want to give up, but there is something inside me that prevents me from giving up. As long as I know, there is even one person in the world that would be hurt if something happened to me, I will not give up. As much as I hurt on any given day, I do not want to hurt the people I care about in this world.
 
There are nights I cry myself to sleep. There are nights when I come home and want to collapse against the wall, hug my knees and cry, I have not yet, but damn if there aren’t nights that I don’t want to do it. There is so much going on around here. The worst part is that there is nothing I can do; there is nothing anyone can do.
 
Anne’s health seems to be getting worse and it is preventing her from being able to do her re-hab. I want my wife back. I am terrified that I am going to lose her. I am worried she is going to die on me. At times, I worry she will never come home. The last two times they took her to the hospital, the hospital was worried it might have been a stroke. Thankfully, it was not. It takes a lot to scare me, at least when it comes to corporeal things. Demons, ghosts, spirits, etc., now that is another story.
 
Not being able to do anything to help her, not having any control makes things so damn hard for me. I am used to being in control, at least having some control in my life. The less control I have, the harder things get for me. I went about two years without any self-harm, now since October, I have beat the hell out of myself about 4-5 times, even going so far as to hit myself in the head with a pot from the stove and giving myself a nice lump.
 
I am a mess right now.

Edited: February 18th, 2014