News for June 2011

Personal Triggers

Below is a list of the personal triggers that I have identified up to this point.

I don’t have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay. And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.
– George Carlin

Severity of Reaction
Trigger Name	Frequency	Reaction Type	Mild	Moderate	Significant	Extreme	Notes
Bruce Springsteen	R	D	X				During a severe accident that almost killed my wife and I, Bruce Springsteen was playing. It can cause flashbacks at times. So far this has only occurred once.
Acura MDX	U	Ra		X	X	X	After July 3, 2009, I have an intense rage that occurs around SUVs, especially Acura MDXs, since that is what almost killed my wife.
‘Triggers’	O	An		X	X		Discussing triggers can cause a reaction in me. This is a result of my blaming myself for triggering a near fatal incident for a good friend.
Judgment Day Part 1, NCIS Season 05 Episode 18	A	An, D			X	X	I have only seen this episode once. When I saw it, it caused a severe flashback to an event that occurred in 2007. It was too close to how someone important to me was found. Thankfully, unlike Director Sheppard, my friend is still alive and happily married. When I saw this episode, I had to get out of my apartment and walk. I got back to my apartment two hours later after walking 4 miles.
Close Calls (while driving)	O	An, F	X	X	X	X	My reactions vary depending on how close of a call it is. I have been very sensitive to close calls since the accident on July 3, 2009. I have to carry Xanax with me when I drive these days.
People who hurt others	U	Ra		X	X	X	When I hear about people hurting others it pisses me off. It is much worse when it is a political issue.
People who don’t care about others	U	Ra			X	X	When I see people who don’t care about other people and what others need it invokes a white hot rage in me. It is worse when this invoked by politics.
Bad Car Wrecks	U	An			X	X	After July 3, 2009, I am very susceptible to anxiety attacks when I see a bad car wreck. I have to carry Xanax with me when I drive these days.
Seeing a Car Wreck Happen	U	An	X	X			After July 3, 2009, I am very susceptible to anxiety attacks when I see or hear an accident happen, even if it is only on television or in the movies. I have to carry Xanax with me when I drive these days.
‘Tea Party’	A	Ra			X	X	I cannot explain my reaction to the Tea Party in ‘acceptable’ language. Just thinking about them fills me with rage.
Getting Cut Off (in conversation)	U	Ra		X	X	X	When people cut me off in conversation, especially repeatedly it pisses me off. When I am speaking, I expect people to pay attention and respect me.
Being Ignored	A	Ra	X	X	X	X	I hate being ignored. It shows no respect. It shows a total disregard for me.
Having to repeat myself	U	Ra		X	X	X	My time is important and valuable. Do not waste it by ignoring me.
Lacking Any Control	O	D, Ra	X	X	X	X	I expect to have control of all situations in my life, even if it is a small amount of control. When I have no control it turns my life on its ear and frustrates me.
Legend
Frequency Reaction Type	R = Rarely, O = Occasionally, U = Usually, A = Always Ra = Rage, An = Anxiety, F = Fear, D = Depression

Edited: June 17th, 2011

Poem: Alone I Sat

Alone i sat in…
a dark ,
cold ,
lonely,
cruel,
painful world.

Never having known…
love,
tenderness,
true happiness.

Then one day,
you came into my world,
you cast upon my world,
a light and warmth,
that i never knew before.

Since that day ,
I no longer sit alone,
in my world ,
there is now only …
light where once,
there was darkness,
tenderness where once,
there was cruelity,
love where once ,
there was lonliness ,
happiness where once,
there was pain.

You have given me the hope ,
i need to go on
you make my life worth living…
you are my strength,
when i am vulnerable

Edited: June 3rd, 2011

Poem: Do You Know?

do you know whats its like
to be trapped alone,
in ones own mind
surrounded by dark
only darkness
only misery
only emptiness
hurting so much
that you dont even care enough
to want to do anything about it.

so bad that you don’t have enough desire
to even get up to make food
only getting up to do it
when you absolutely must
when you finally do get up
feeling like your legs
will give out on you
only doing basic things
purely mechanically

just a void
just numb
wondering what is the point
wanting to curl up
hide from life
from the world
from everything
from yourself

 

Edited: June 3rd, 2011

Poem – Untitled

so much pain,
every waking moment filled with rain.
Only so heavy a load can one heart bear,
before first a tear will appear

Way beyond that point am I,
leaving me to ask why oh why
the pain of my heart none seem to hear
when long ago first did the tear appear,

every night when I goto bed,
another river of tears is shed
each and every tomorrow,
there is nothing but more sorrow.

everyone tells me that in time,
I will once again be fine,
how though can that be,
when to her I gave all of me

entrusted with my heart was she,
heart and she are now both lost to me

 

Edited: June 3rd, 2011