News for the ‘Incidents’ Category

Trigger Warning: “I Remember”

Every now and then I like to take a few moments to share a little about myself. I do not do it often, typically because I find the things I do write about to be more interesting and useful than the story of my life; however, today I have both the desire and need to share a little about my past.

This entry should be seen as potentially triggering and viewed with caution. The entry focuses on the affect a very severe car accident my wife and I had on the afternoon of July 3, 2009. If you find discussions and descriptions of auto accidents triggering, you may not wish to proceed. Even four years after the event it can still trigger me at times.

On July 3, 2009, my now wife and I were driving around Carteret, New Jersey heading back to my father’s house to get ready for a Fourth of July barbecue at a friend’s house.

My wife and I lived, and still do, in Virginia. I was taking her around to places I had worked, ate and hung out growing up. We had lunch at the Reo dinner in Woodbridge and banana splits at a nice little ice cream place, that had been a favorite of my mom’s, in Perth Amboy. As an aside, the ice cream place was wiped out during super storm Sandy in 2013, along with a lot if places from my younger days. After the banana splits we walked out onto the pier for a little while.

We drove around a bit and wound up in Carteret, which was one of the places I worked in my twenties.

As we were heading home we came to an intersection and stopped at the stop sign before going forward. That is when my world was thrown into chaos and hell. About midway through the intersection we were t-boned by a speeding Acura MDX. The force of the impact was so great that it pushed our car from the middle of the road across the street and into a telephone pole. It was so bad, that both my wife and I thought the car rolled over twice.

The front windows, sunroof and rear windshield were all shattered. My wife’s seat broke falling into the back seat and leaving her in a near horizontal position.

I remember the other drivers reaction, which was to jump out of her car and swear she did nothing wrong, telling I didn’t do anything wrong you saw it to the people that were outside. She never came over to see if there was anything she could do or if we were dead or alive. It is hard at times not to hate her and wish ill will on her, not because she hit us, but because of her reaction after she did.

I remember more of that accident than I wish I did. I remember sitting in the car waiting for the rescue personnel to get there. I remember being terrified that she was going to die there next to me in the car. I remember trying to keep her conscious for fear if she blacked out she would never wake up again. I remember screaming for someone to get help because I didn’t know the intersection. I remember the phone call she made to get parents. I remember watching the EMTs cut her out of the car over the course of an hour and a half. I remember sitting on the back of the ambulance and hearing them call for an airlift. I remember the EMTs trying to convince me it was just a precaution, not necessarily a necessity. They did wind up taking her by helicopter to a level one trauma center in Newark.

I remember telling the EMTs that I wouldn’t leave until she left. I remember being at the hospital in the ER getting the cut in my arm cleaned out. I remember them fast tracking me because all I could think about was needing to be there for her. I remember walking out of the ER and signing out AMA because fast track was taking too long. I remember sitting in the ER waiting room waiting for updates and to be allowed back in. I remember that it felt like a lifetime. I remember signing for her valuables.

I remember talking to the doctors to find out what they needed to do and what was the most important test they needed to do. I remember how angry and belligerent she was to the doctors, of course she was in a ton of pain so it was to be expected. I remember trying to calm her down enough to let them do the tests they needed to do. I remember succeeding too.

I remember sitting in the hallway at midnight, outside the room they had put in her. I remember that room, all the black and green from the monitors. I remember the nurse’s station in the room. The room had to have its own nurse because of the nature of everyone’s injuries. I remember my wife in traction, the slightest shift of the bed causing her agony. I remember the nurses “scolding me” because I still had not had my arm stitched up. I remember getting back upstairs at about 3 AM and having the nurses tell me that she was looking for me because she woke up in the middle of the night scared and disoriented.

I remember her surgeries and waiting for her. I remember arguing with her that she had to get a blood transfusion during the surgery because of her blood count. I remember her getting mad at me for ’emotionally blackmailing’ her into getting it. I tried everything to get her to agree to it because she was scared and stubborn. If she had not had to transfusion they could not have done the surgery and she would have been in traction for months in New Jersey, alone. I remember her saying if I did it again she would never speak to me again. I remember knowing that I was doing what I felt was best for her and if she hated me for it, that I would have to live with it, but I would know it was in her best interest.

I remember the month she was in the hospital and sleeping there with her in a chair for the whole time. I remember my dad being there every day. I remember a few of my friends and family members stopping by to check up on us. I remember the first time I had to leave the hospital to take care of some business, getting pictures of the scene, getting pictures of the cars, getting our stuff from the car, and looking for a new car. I remember how terrified I was to even be in a car. I remember clutching the door handle  so hard that my knuckles turned white.

I remember the months at the rehab center with her, sleeping on an air mattress next to her, then doing the same thing at her condo before we moved in together.

I remember how the event set me back years of a therapy. It took me over two years to get back to where I was before the accident, that two and half years started last year. Even now, almost four years later I still have trouble with coping with this event. I still cry at times over it. When I first started writing this entry two weeks ago, I wound up crying one of my contacts out on the metro heading to work. I have been afraid to touch this entry until today.

It has to be one of the worst and hardest days in my life so far.

Edited: May 13th, 2013

Withdraw or Open Up?

Many times we are faced with an important and difficult decision. Do we open up about something that bothers us or do we shut down and lock out our loved ones and friends?

There is no one right answer. Sometimes we need to open up and other times we need to shut down. Ultimately, we do need to open up and be honest with people; however, sometimes we need a little time to process things and figure out how to explain them.

Right now, that is where I am. I want to open up to my wife about how I am feeling, but I am afraid to open up at the same time. I am afraid because it was something she said and did that had caused this emotional storm within me.

She knows that she hurt me and she knows what hurt me. She wants me to tell her what I am thinking, but I am worried that anything I say will only hurt her or make things worse.

I am torn between opening up and shutting down. Even though she hurt me, I have no desire to hurt her back. For now, I have told her I need to process things before I open up about what I am thinking.

If we shut down it can make things worse, but so can opening up and saying the wrong thing. It is very difficult to know which route to take at times; especially, if you are emotionally dysregulated. My opinion is of you are dysregulated, bite your tongue until you are state of ‘wise mind’, the state where your logical and emotional minds overlap.

If you cannot get to a state of wise mind, you want to at least get to a point where your emotional state no longer dominates your thoughts. If you act, in words or deeds, from a highly emotional state, you are almost guaranteed to make the situation worse.

Edited: September 27th, 2012

101st Post – Blog – Take Two

Yeah, I know I said I was not going to update this anymore, at the time it was my intent not to update it again.  I changed my mind and decided to give it another go of it.

Is it such a surprise from a person who can be impulsive and reactionary that was having a severe episode?

I had not had a day like last Tuesday since October 2011, so about nine months. The day was of intense emotions fueled by several rapid and intense mood shifts. First from baseline to agitated, them from agitated to depressed. Then after leveling out (some), becoming severely agitated again right before bed.

My mood spikes were almost vertical at times. The movement toward baseline was not so radical and was a slow progression. I did not completely level out until some time the next day.

Edited: July 16th, 2012

Crashing…

Note: Please read with caution. This entry discusses the difficulties and urges to self-harm I have had lately and may contain triggers for some people. If you are unsure, please err on the side of your own safety.

I don’t know what is happening to me. I was doing so well for so long. I was having less episodes, they were shorter and less severe.

I was not feeling a desire to self harm and easily resisting any urges that cropped up every now and again.  These rare urges were little more than a quick passing thought that I could banish with a simple ‘shake of the head’.

The last two weeks or so things seem to be getting progressively worse. I am more agitated, more often, my episodes are getting more intense and I am having stronger urges to hurt myself.

TRIGGER WARNING

 

 

As always, it is the same urges that I have, to beat the hell out of myself. A desire to just punch myself repeatedly in the skull as hard as I can. I look at things, hard things like glass bottles, hard cover books, trays, shoes, etc, and want to take them and just bash them against my skull repeatedly. So far, I have been able to resist the desire to do it, but it is getting harder each day lately.

The ease at which I am blowing up lately, the strong desire and difficulty I am having resisting the urges bring down my mental state even more.
They make me feel like a total failure and a demon.  When I rage, I feel every bit the monster we are stigmatized to be at times.  This picture is what I feel like when I am raging and shortly after I am done. This is even too ‘cute and cuddly’ for how I feel.

Worse than how it makes me feel, it is upsetting my wife. That of course, makes me feel even worse. It is a vicious circle.

 

 

 

 

END WARNING

I just do not know where and how things got so derailed. It just seems like it was out of nowhere. I have been surrounded by stupidity lately, but I should be able to handle it. I am taking my medications like I am supposed to take them, but I am still having problems.

I do not think my sleep schedule has been that radically different from what it has been the last six months. Our money situation is roughly the same.

The only thing I can think of at all is that my wife has been struggling emotionally and physically lately. I know I cannot ‘fix’ everything for her and I accept that. It does upset me and leaves me feeling helpless at times. I want to help, but nothing I do seems to help at all. Sometimes, I can barely reach her.

There is also the fact that for the last few weeks, we have had some idiot subscribing us to over a dozen magazines, almost every night I have had to come home and cancel at least one new magazine.

Then I have had problems with my Dell Streak 7 table, or as I ‘affectionately’ call it – my ‘POS’. I locks up randomly for no reason. I have had to re-install everything multiple times.

Friday, I had a major anxiety attack because of a tornado warning. I was trying to get home to my wife and cat to make sure they were safe but the rain and traffic was delaying me. So it caused a full-blown panic attack.

Monday, I got ripped off by an idiot at a gas station because they could not understand that I wanted 20$ of gas on pump 8. So when they could not understand that I told them to give me my money back so I could go elsewhere, which the idiot did not understand either. This left me out 20$.

Tuesday, I tried ordering a tablet to replace my ‘POS’ through t-mobile which has been a major cluster f***.

Today, it was CVS. They called my wife four times today about the same issue. Every time when she talked to the pharmacist they said there was no problem. Then a few hours later, they would call again with the same issue. Really people? Really?

I should be able to handle any of those scenarios, even back to back like they have been the last few weeks. It has to be something more.

 

Edited: June 6th, 2012

Incident: Computer Problems

Let me start by saying that lately I have been trying to decide if I should start sharing more personal things or stick with the kind of things I normally write about each week. Well, tonight I decided I will start to include more personal things.

I have been doing fairly well since my wife and I moved in November. I have had some rough spots here and there, but overall I have been doing fairly well; however, the last week or two I have struggled more. I have been feeling more alone, more alienated and more helpless. I know the reason why, but that part I will keep to myself since it involves another person’s health.

The computer we have at home is an older one that was purchased from a major company, rather than built at home. It is a company I loathe. I have had problems with their products for years, including my current table which they no longer make.

It is so slow it drives me nuts. So today, I decided to upgrade the RAM. A really simple job that takes less than a two minutes to do. Under normal conditions, I can probably do it in about a minute, maybe less. The only part that really takes any time is getting the case on and off. That is where tonight’s problem originates.

I struggled a little to get it off, but finally got it off. I took the old RAM out and put the new RAM in to the computer in about 45 seconds. Then I went to put the cover back on the system. Well, apparently the stupid top of the case is a bit dented from when something fell on top of it a while ago. The dent prevented me from getting the stupid side panel back on to the computer. I struggled with it for about ten minutes.

The whole time I was getting more and more furious. Part of the problem is that I have been having so many problems with the table I have from the same company, another part of the problem is that this is such an easy job and the fact that getting the case on was proving so difficult was just pissing me off.

So, I finally started yelling and cursing over it. Then my wife and I started arguing over it some. She made a few comments that just really set me off. So I finally just said f*** it, told her I was going out for a walk and would be back in about thirty minutes. I walked out and slammed the door.

I didn’t get to far with my walk because I saw a nice gazebo where I could go and sit. I sat for the whole time. My blood just boiling. Part of me wants to just give up on trying to calm down and be happy. Part of me wants to stay angry and just become mean. Part of me wants to just smash and destroy things around me.

Things have just become a lot more complicated in my life lately and I am having problems dealing with everything. It is just overloading me.

Edited: June 2nd, 2012

Follow Up on Yesterday’s Episode

Note: This entry should be viewed with caution as it may contain triggers.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s entry I had a bad episode last night, ripe with self-harm. Unfortunately, today was not much better. The episode has left me in really bad shape and I am still feeling depressed. The old feelings of feeling like the world would be a better place without me and that people would be better off without me are surrounding me.

Once again today, my wife and I had a fight. This was a follow-up to last night’s situation. Once again, I hurt myself. I punched myself good and hard a number of times, all the face and head. I think I even slammed my head against the door a few times.

I am hurting really bad the last few days. It bothers me even more because until the last few days I had been doing really well since November. I have slipped so far the last few days it is really depressing. I really don’t want to get stuck in this place again. I need to get back to where I was before this past week. It had taken me so long to get back to where I was before all this happened.

Edited: April 16th, 2012

A Bad Episode

Note: While this entry does not contain excessive details of my self harming last night, it should be read with caution as it may potentially contain triggers for some people.

Well tonight was just peachy.The last week or so I have been having some really bad oral pain due to the horrible condition of my teeth from years of neglect. Oral pain is the one type of pain that I have the most trouble coping with in life. So when it hits like it has been hitting, I get very angry and yell, bitch and moan a lot. Sometimes even to the point of hitting myself in the jaw to stop the pain. Tonight was no exception.

I started yelling and screaming because I was in so much pain. The vicodin and other medications I have for the pain wasn’t helping much, so I picked up a lock and slammed it into my jaw a few times. My wife, bless her heart, called an ‘on call doctor’ to see about getting me help for my mouth. Unfortunately, there was a problem with the number and they said if you needed something to call 911.
This is where everything fell apart.

I was of course screaming like a wild man because of how much agony I was in at the moment, plus I was pissed about the fact that she called 911. The whole tiime I am screaming, and I hear her use the word ‘violent’. I do not know the context of her using the word, maybe she was saying I was in violent amount of pain or was referring to the fact that I had started hurting myself.

Needless to say this caused the cops and EMTs to stop by. That was lovely.On top of that she called my dad to stop by, all of this at 2330 until 0130 on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. Now, I have cops telling me that I need to go to the dentist. I got the impression that it was almost a you make an appointment ‘or else’ type of thing.

I was so upset between the pain and the fact that she called 911 that I hurt myself even more. *sigh* This is the first time this year that I did; however, I down right refuse to let this put me in a bad place beyond this.

Edited: April 14th, 2012

“Incident Report” – Getting Booted from Walmart

How sad is it that I just got thrown out of walmart? I mean of all places, walmart. I am more upset and embarrassed about it being walmart then actually getting thrown out of the store itself. So what happened to bring me to this new sorry state?

It is a 19 hour story, but I will only touch on a few highlights, and the low lights for that matter.

Today, as always, I got up around 5a-6a and went to work. After an1 1/2 hour commute, which is the norm, I got to work. I didn’t get very good sleep the night before so I was dragging. To make things even more fun, I had to borrow some money from friends at the office because dumb dumb me forgot my credit card. I wound up having to go through two energy drinks during the day to not fall asleep. Other than that, they day went fairly well.

I left at 3:30 as usual to go to my therapist. I got off the metro with enough time to walk the mile or so. It was a nice walk and I got to her office with plenty of time left.

The session went well and we wound up talking about personality,  what it was, and how environment affects or in some cases controls it. I will be writing about that conversation in the near future.

When I got home, I helped my wife get showered and ready to go out. I was still in a pretty good mood, though my wife did irritate me a little. I had been trying to respond to a comment on my facebook from one of my friend while my wife got ready but wasn’t able to finish. After she got out of the shower I had to help her finish getting ready. I figure I could then sit and finish my response before we went out to dinner. Unfortunately, my wife had other plans. She hadn’t eaten lunch and was hungry so I was ‘rushed’ out the front door.

We then headed over to Chili’s for dinner. We had a nice meal, it ran more than either of us expected, but it was a good meal and a good time.  Up to this point, it was a good evening.  Then my wife wanted to go to walmart for some things.  I was already getting tired and didn’t really want to be bother tonight. However, we still went. We walked around, picked up some stuff and looked at TVs and iPods. It was still going well.

After about and hour or maybe even two, we finally got to the checkout. The woman rang us up and the we went to pay. My wife had gotten paid earlier in the day and shuffled money around on her credit cards. Apparently the posting hadn’t occurred yet though because when we went to pay the card was declined. This confused me since they machine gave us the line to sign but then quickly blinked away. I thought it was a system malfunction and we tried a few more times. The cashier tells us the card  is declined. This of course is starting to piss me off because I knew we had money in the accounts. My level of irritation is now rising to someplace between a 3.0 and 5.0.  I got to the point where I was saying that ‘I am getting pissed off now’ and then ‘You know what just take everything off’ except for the bottle of coke I had opened.

She of course had to get the manager. This is where things went to hell. When the manager came over she almost instantly got an attitude and rude with me. I was already annoyed and tired so her attitude did not make me smile. I have problems with people giving me an attitude when I am completely calm and well rested. Can you guess how well this went over when I was tired and pissed? My level of irritation went from the 3-5 rang to about a 15 in less than one minute. Her attitude caused me to get louder and nastier. It ended with me telling her to go to f***ing hell and what I thought she was and her throwing me out of her store.

This of course led to me yelling a few more ‘nice’ things to her on the way out.  By the end, my wife was angry at me, scared because of how angry I was and my reaction and I was shaking because I was so angry.

Within 5 minutes of leaving the parking lot, I was pretty much back to ‘normal.’

I think tomorrow I will call my therapist and go over what happened.

Edited: February 4th, 2012

This is Getting Insane

In the span of 10 – 15 min I have gone from baseline to depressed to angry to depressed. How much more can I take before cracking in half.
I want to reach out for help but I am afraid no one will be there and I will fall into a dark endless abyss. I said it before and will again. Help me obi-wan kenobi.

To my friends, I love you to the ends of the universe and for all time, no matter how bumpy the road. I never give up on my friends and I just hope they don’t give up on me now.

Edited: July 22nd, 2008

A Very Bad Day

Note: This entry provides details of my emotional state on July 15, 2008 and contains items that may trigger negative responses in some people. Please read with caution.

Ugh, today was the worst day yet. Every day that goes by things, get harder and worse than the day before. Whoever said, “time heals all wounds” was clueless.

Today I got up and went to see the Dalai Lama as planned and got to the 9:30am session. During the session, I started freaking out. I started crying. I felt like I needed just to run out of the place. It took everything that I had not to leave, the only reason I did not give in and leave was because of how much I respect him and his teachings. He is in my opinion the greatest and best living man, unlike so many other public figures, especially religious ones, he teaches only peace, compassion and responsibility, I have never heard him say anything mean or hateful about someone, even the Chinese government that represses and has illegally occupied Tibet for almost 60 years.

As much as I have looked forward to this trip, it has really sucked. I have not been able to focus or pay any real attention to his teachings because I all I could do was focus on the pain. This trip is a waste of over 1000$ and what may be a once in a lifetime chance at these teachings.

Back to today, as I said, I wanted to run and I was crying. Every little sound made me angry, the person behind me kept blowing their nose and another kept scratching his leg. Then he would scratch it for 5 minutes at a time I swear and loudly. God it annoyed me. I wanted to punch them both in the mouth, I was so angry.

I decided not to stay for the 2nd session and instead came back to room. On the way home, my panic attack hit full force. I just had to keep moving. It took all my self-control again not to start running people of the road and running red lights. Whenever I was stopped, all I could think was “I have to keep moving, I got to go, I got to go, I got to get back to my room”. My heart was racing, I was having random chest pains, I was crying my eyes out and I could not get control of it.

Therefore, at the nameless one’s insistence, since she called me, I called my therapist and then my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist called in a script for Xanax for me, which I just picked up. He said take one as needed, but with as bad as I have been I took one right away since I am sure I would have had another one later tonight.

The only thing that has kept me sane at all, and prevented me from losing it all together was the hotel staff, well especially one person. Her name is Shannie; she has one of those caring natures, where she cares about her fellow human beings even if she does not know them. I go down to the front desk every evening to stand and talk to her for hours on end. She keeps me smiling and laughing while I am there, lets me talk to her about what is bothering me and upsetting me. She never even gave me a look of disinterest or irritation. She lets me ramble on and gets me talking about other things to take my mind off my troubles. If she had not been here, I do not know how I would have gotten through this week. She has been a Godsend for sure. I can never thank her enough or repay her kindness. The best I could do was to get her a thank you card today for all the help she has given me, probably without even realizing how much it has meant to me.

 It probably sounds pathetic, but going to talk to her at the desk has been the high point of my days. It sucks being alone and having no friends to talk to, either on line or in r/t. I feel so isolated and unimportant.

Last night I accidentally knocked the hair dryer into the sink, looked at it, and thought how easy it would be to fill the sink turn the dryer on and shove my hands or face into it and be done with my pain and life. Obviously, I did not and I never seriously considered it.

Edited: July 15th, 2008