Crashing…

Note: Please read with caution. This entry discusses the difficulties and urges to self-harm I have had lately and may contain triggers for some people. If you are unsure, please err on the side of your own safety.

I don’t know what is happening to me. I was doing so well for so long. I was having less episodes, they were shorter and less severe.

I was not feeling a desire to self harm and easily resisting any urges that cropped up every now and again.  These rare urges were little more than a quick passing thought that I could banish with a simple ‘shake of the head’.

The last two weeks or so things seem to be getting progressively worse. I am more agitated, more often, my episodes are getting more intense and I am having stronger urges to hurt myself.

TRIGGER WARNING

As always, it is the same urges that I have, to beat the hell out of myself. A desire to just punch myself repeatedly in the skull as hard as I can. I look at things, hard things like glass bottles, hard cover books, trays, shoes, etc, and want to take them and just bash them against my skull repeatedly. So far, I have been able to resist the desire to do it, but it is getting harder each day lately.

The ease at which I am blowing up lately, the strong desire and difficulty I am having resisting the urges bring down my mental state even more.
They make me feel like a total failure and a demon.  When I rage, I feel every bit the monster we are stigmatized to be at times.  This picture is what I feel like when I am raging and shortly after I am done. This is even too ‘cute and cuddly’ for how I feel.

Worse than how it makes me feel, it is upsetting my wife. That of course, makes me feel even worse. It is a vicious circle.

END WARNING

I just do not know where and how things got so derailed. It just seems like it was out of nowhere. I have been surrounded by stupidity lately, but I should be able to handle it. I am taking my medications like I am supposed to take them, but I am still having problems.

I do not think my sleep schedule has been that radically different from what it has been the last six months. Our money situation is roughly the same.

The only thing I can think of at all is that my wife has been struggling emotionally and physically lately. I know I cannot ‘fix’ everything for her and I accept that. It does upset me and leaves me feeling helpless at times. I want to help, but nothing I do seems to help at all. Sometimes, I can barely reach her.

There is also the fact that for the last few weeks, we have had some idiot subscribing us to over a dozen magazines, almost every night I have had to come home and cancel at least one new magazine.

Then I have had problems with my Dell Streak 7 table, or as I ‘affectionately’ call it – my ‘POS’. I locks up randomly for no reason. I have had to re-install everything multiple times.

Friday, I had a major anxiety attack because of a tornado warning. I was trying to get home to my wife and cat to make sure they were safe but the rain and traffic was delaying me. So it caused a full-blown panic attack.

Monday, I got ripped off by an idiot at a gas station because they could not understand that I wanted 20$ of gas on pump 8. So when they could not understand that I told them to give me my money back so I could go elsewhere, which the idiot did not understand either. This left me out 20$.

Tuesday, I tried ordering a tablet to replace my ‘POS’ through t-mobile which has been a major cluster f***.

Today, it was CVS. They called my wife four times today about the same issue. Every time when she talked to the pharmacist they said there was no problem. Then a few hours later, they would call again with the same issue. Really people? Really?

I should be able to handle any of those scenarios, even back to back like they have been the last few weeks. It has to be something more.