“Waking from a Bad Dream”

As I was getting ready for bed, a thought occurred to me, and that thought lead me to write this entry.

Lately, I am feeling better than I have in a very long time. The last time I remember feeling this good was right before my July 3, 2009 accident. That one single event sent me spiraling out of control psychologically for over two years. It was not all straight angst and pain, rather, it set me on a wild and crazy roller coaster ride. My bi-polar disorder, my borderline personality order and my anxiety all went haywire.

Several times I thought I had hit my low point, the problem was that it was just a lower plateau, I still had further to fall down the mountain. I would hit that plateau and the start to claw my way up again only to fall once more, hit the previous plateau and bounce off it and fall further. Every fall seemed harder and deeper than the previous fall.

Finally, at the end of last year, I hit the bottom of my mountain. I will not go into the details, but it left me in a bad place mentally. It was part due to the problems with the apartment my wife and I were living in, how deeply immersed I had become with politics, the political landscape in the United States and trying to get ready to move. Ugh.

Once my wife and I got into our new place, things started to turn around for me psychologically. I started feeling better and moving back up that mountain. One thing that was very odd, is that the holidays are usually a time of year that I hate. They are a time of year that I am usually at a lower point than the rest of year. This year, I enjoyed the holidays. It was the first time in a long time that I really and truly enjoyed them and looked forward to them. Even this past winter was not bad for me despite the fact that I suffer from Seasonal Afflictive Disorder (SAD). I had a better winter than I have had in a very long time.

Then at the start of this year, I made a decision. I decided the depression, the cycling moods, the self-loathing, etc. were not going to win. That I was going to have a good year and that if 2012 tried to get in the way of my having a good year, I would kick it nice and hard in the butt. I have had a pretty good year so far (knock on wood). Yes, I have had a few ‘moments’, but I have handled them and they have been relatively short-lived. The few moments have not sent me out of control or kept me down (or highly agitated). They have come and gone. For the most part, my moods and responses have been within in a ‘normal’ range.

As my mood keeps stabilizing, I feel like I am waking up from a bad dream. I feel like I am coming out of a drugged state. I am feeling human and alive again. The world seems real once again. The sights, the sounds, the tastes, the smells, everything seems real.