Posts Tagged ‘Depression’

A Brief Autobiography – Part 2 (2006 to 2008)

By the end of 2006, just one year after moving to Virginia with my wife, my marriage came to a screeching halt. My marriage had been declining for a few years by this point. Everything was gone, the only thing that was left was familiarity and a sense of comfort. The type of comfort that comes from knowing you are not alone. The love, passion, and everything else that makes a relationship special was long gone.

So at the end of the year we separated. My intention was that if the marriage was worth saving, we would realize we needed and missed each other within a year. At first I cried, but only for a short time. It is not a matter of my being a heartless bastard, rather it was that I had already come to terms with the collapse over the last few years as my marriage was dying.

After I dropped her off I drove to see a ‘friend’ the following morning. We began to ‘see’ each other every few weeks. Unfortunately, the relationship, and I use the word loosely, was a big mistake. Nothing good came out of it and it set me back a good amount of money over the six months or so we were ‘involved.’ Eventually, things spiralled into a lot of bad blood and hostility toward each other. When she asked me to come see her and get a room so she could sleep with another guy and use my room to change and shower, that was the end of it.

During all this I was still chatting away online with people and having my cyber romances. Between 2007 and 2009, I had about five or six relationships online and none in real life. The quality of the relationships varied as much as the length.

Oddly enough, the one that last the longest was the biggest mistake, caused me the most emotional trauma and the only one I regret. Conversely, of all the online relationships during that time, the shortest one was the one I remember most fondly and the one that impacted me the must in a positive way.

I will talk more about the relationships shortly.

During this same period, I started taking better care of myself. It was during this time period that I first learned about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), was diagnosed with my mental illnesses, first heard of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), mindfullness and started immersing myself in books by the Dalai Lama.

As I mentioned in part one, in 2005 I attended a public talk by His Holiness the Dalai Lama. This event led to my eventual ‘discovery’ of the concept of mindfulness, even before I heard of DBT or BPD. In late 2005 or early 2006, I began to immerse myself in books by the Dali Lama as a direct result of the talk I attended in 2005.

These books helped me begin the process of healing emotionally and psychologically. They introduced me to the concept of mindfullness. I began to see things differently, I began to understand and learn how to better gain control of my emotions and feelings. The whole time supported by my sessions with my therapist. For the first time life was starting to come together. I was truly starting to feel better about life and myself.

In early 2008, I was finally diagnosed with bi-polar disorder,a condition I knew I had as far back as high school. I finally had confirmation from a therapist. This made all the difference in the world.

I remember when I first found out. I was so excited. The year started off like any other year, but around May I met up with an amazing young lady. We began a relationship online. It would turn into a very short relationship, but it had lasting effects on my life.

The relationship ended not because either of us wanted it to end, but because it had to end. It was because of this relationship that I first learned about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). You see, it was while we were together that because of a near tragic event she was diagnosed with BPD.

When I heard what happened and what her diagnosis was I began to learn everything I could about BPD. I wanted to be able to safely interact with her. I needed to know how to help her and protect myself at the same time.

The more I read about it, the more I learned about myself since there are a lot of similarities between the two disorders. For example, both are characterized by problems with regulating emotions.

While she was in intensive treatment, we learned that there were components of our relationship that were toxic for her. Because of these components we had to end the relationship and go our separate ways.

I will never forget how I felt the day we said goodbye. I was filled with so much rage, pain and hatred. I wanted to share the pain with everyone. I wanted to just beat the hell out of people so that others could feel a small protion of my pain. But I knew I couldn’t do that.

I decided to turn that energy to something positive. I kept studying and learning about BPD, all the time learning more about myself, taking about it with as many people as I could. I started attending conferences on it. I started putting a presentation together on BPD. A presentation that I planned on giving at any local churches that would have me. I printed out flyers and posters from the NEA-BPD about BPD and asked businesses if I could post them. I left behind flyers for people as well.

Edited: January 19th, 2012

Poem: Do You Know?

do you know whats its like
to be trapped alone,
in ones own mind
surrounded by dark
only darkness
only misery
only emptiness
hurting so much
that you dont even care enough
to want to do anything about it.

so bad that you don’t have enough desire
to even get up to make food
only getting up to do it
when you absolutely must
when you finally do get up
feeling like your legs
will give out on you
only doing basic things
purely mechanically

just a void
just numb
wondering what is the point
wanting to curl up
hide from life
from the world
from everything
from yourself

 

Edited: June 3rd, 2011

Poem – Untitled

so much pain,
every waking moment filled with rain.
Only so heavy a load can one heart bear,
before first a tear will appear

Way beyond that point am I,
leaving me to ask why oh why
the pain of my heart none seem to hear
when long ago first did the tear appear,

every night when I goto bed,
another river of tears is shed
each and every tomorrow,
there is nothing but more sorrow.

everyone tells me that in time,
I will once again be fine,
how though can that be,
when to her I gave all of me

entrusted with my heart was she,
heart and she are now both lost to me

 

Edited: June 3rd, 2011

Poem: Darkness, Darkness, All Around

When times are dark, I often find my muse and turn to writing.  My writing during those times turns toward the dark side of life, an outward reflection of my inner pain. Here is one of my poems from a time like that:

Darkness, darkness all around,
No light to be found,
Nothing but an endless void,
No one to care, me they all avoid.

Each day more pain and sorrow,
I fear every tomorrow.
Nothing but a dark and lonely sea,
Not one to need me.

Further and further I slip,
Starting to want to embrace deaths grip.
Would any cry,
Were I to die?

This is I doubt,
For all from my life have slipped out.
Not one to want me in their life,
My life filled with nothing but strife.

 

Edited: May 31st, 2011

Meta

Recent Posts

Categories

Subscribe to Rising Phoenix

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 818 other subscribers

RSS News from NEA-BPD

Archives

News Items

Links

%d bloggers like this: