News for the ‘Autobiography’ Category

TW: “Black Eyes”

Black Eyes

*****Trigger Warning*****

Triggers include: depression, anger, feelings of Despair and hopelessness, torment, defeat, multiple deaths, suicidal ideation, and mention of a severe auto accident.

This post contains numerous triggers and may be difficult for some people to read. If you are in a state where you feel you are more vulnerable to external influences than normal, I would recommend either waiting until you feel more secure before you read this or make sure someone that can ensure your well-being is present. Perhaps the following is not as bad as I make it sound, but I have added this paragraph based on the reaction of someone who read this previously.

The picture (see profile picture) started out because of my love of Supernatural, but as the weeks have gone by I have come to realize they are also a reflection of how I feel inside. For those that are not familiar with the show Supernatural, characters with eyes that are solid black, red, white or yellow are demons. The show tells you that a demon is created from a human soul that has been tortured in hell until nothing is left but a black smoke.

That is how I feel at times, like my very soul has been tortured and stripped raw in hell. I feel at times that if someone were to look into my eyes, truly look into them, that they would see the pain and death in them.

Most of the people in my life, have no idea of the death I carry inside, no matter how close they are to me. Over the years, I have learned to hide a lot of my pain from most people. The people that know me from my younger years never saw this part of me, because it didn’t exist then, it didn’t start forming until around the time I started high school.

I do not think the people I went to high school with saw it that much either, at least they had no idea of the depths of the pain, by the time I got to college, I had learned to hide it.

There are a lot of things that contributed to the stripping away of my soul.  Oddly, one of the smaller parts being the fact that I am a mental health consumer. Being a mental health consumer has just taken things to a new level and exasperated the problems, rather than being the main cause of them I feel.

Two of the biggest contributors have been the “decade of death”, a period of about ten years (maybe even a few more) where between my mother’s side of the family and my father’s side of the family, someone died every year, including my mother ten years ago in December.

The second major contributor started seven years ago. I was involved with someone online that meant everything to me. One night I said something to her in an email, out of concern for her because of her actions the night before. The next thing I knew I found out she almost bled to death because she had a flashback to a traumatic event. Ever since that night, even to this day, I have blamed myself for her near death. A few years later, my wife and I were in a bad car accident that almost killed my wife. I cannot help but feel like I am a danger to people I love.

The rage inside me, the rage that comes out at times, the yelling, screaming, throwing things, the bouts of self-harm, all leave me feeling like a monster or a demon at times. Other times, I just feel dead inside. I have sat there against the door, against the cabinets, against the wall, crying and begging for my heart to just explode because I wanted to die. I have sat there desperately wanting to kill myself but something inside of me, for better or worse, preventing me from seriously trying. My inability to try has, during those moments made me feel like an even bigger failure. A bigger failure, because I couldn’t even try to kill myself.

There is so much more that goes on in my day to day life that contributes to my problems that makes things even worse. There are times when I do not feel like I am part of this world. I feel like I am trapped outside of life and looking in on everyone else. I feel totally detached from life. Other times, I see nothing my darkness and pain around me as far as the eye can see.

I see other people happy, sometimes I feel like I remember being happy at one point in my life. Other times, I feel rage and hatred at the world over it because I want to be happy and no matter how much I try, no matter what I do, I feel like I keep getting kicked between the legs. Every time things start to turn around and look like life is getting on track, something else kicks me down. How much can one human being take?

Edited: November 28th, 2014

TW: Update

Trigger Warning:  Since I haven’t been writing much lately, I figured I would share an update of how things are going. Here is an email I sent to a friend. It should be read with caution as it can be triggering to a number of people.

I just looked at the calendar, and I am off that Monday, 02/17 and could probably afford to take Tuesday off to travel home on that day. I would just need to leave early enough to get home in time to pick up Miffy and watch Supernatural. 

I desperately want to come up and see you and everyone else. Even if not that weekend, at some point soon, but as badly as I want to come up, I am scared to come up. I am in such a horrible place these days that I do not want to bring anyone else down or put anyone “at risk”. I want and need to see you guys so badly though. 

Dave has asked if there was anything he could do, even offered to come down. Problem is, there is nothing anyone can really do right now. I get up for work at about 5:00-5:30a and do not get home until about 5:30-6p. Then it is often scratch a cat, maybe choke down some food and change clothes before running off to see Anne. I finally get home around 8:00-9:00p, maybe watch a little TV, collapse in bed and pray that there are no disasters at the rehab center that require me to get dressed and drag my less than happy ass back to the center.

Most people do not realize how bad it is for me. There are days when I do not care if I am dead or existing. I will not call it being ‘alive’ because right now all I can really say is that I exist. The only time I really smile or laugh is at work, and mostly because I have to put on that ‘Confessor face’ and pretend that, my existence does not suck totally. I want to give up, but there is something inside me that prevents me from giving up. As long as I know, there is even one person in the world that would be hurt if something happened to me, I will not give up. As much as I hurt on any given day, I do not want to hurt the people I care about in this world.
 
There are nights I cry myself to sleep. There are nights when I come home and want to collapse against the wall, hug my knees and cry, I have not yet, but damn if there aren’t nights that I don’t want to do it. There is so much going on around here. The worst part is that there is nothing I can do; there is nothing anyone can do.
 
Anne’s health seems to be getting worse and it is preventing her from being able to do her re-hab. I want my wife back. I am terrified that I am going to lose her. I am worried she is going to die on me. At times, I worry she will never come home. The last two times they took her to the hospital, the hospital was worried it might have been a stroke. Thankfully, it was not. It takes a lot to scare me, at least when it comes to corporeal things. Demons, ghosts, spirits, etc., now that is another story.
 
Not being able to do anything to help her, not having any control makes things so damn hard for me. I am used to being in control, at least having some control in my life. The less control I have, the harder things get for me. I went about two years without any self-harm, now since October, I have beat the hell out of myself about 4-5 times, even going so far as to hit myself in the head with a pot from the stove and giving myself a nice lump.
 
I am a mess right now.

Edited: February 18th, 2014

Two Decades of Turmoil

Note: I wrote this on September 11, 2008, a week before my birthday. At the time I was going through a very difficult time. This was originally an entry in one of my journals on http://www.livejournal.com and addressed to a very special friend “A”. If you have read other entries in my blog or know me well, you will have heard me talk about a young woman with BPD.

The highs and more prominently the lows of mine you see stretching before you are things I have fought on and off for 20 years. While I normally have a good measure of stability, I have my periods, as you can see of turmoil. The last 17 months have seen the highest peaks and lowest valleys I ever remember in my near 36 years.

My highs have been tied to you directly. My lows, sadly, mostly tied to “the nameless one”. There has also been a few ironic moments. The two most notable are the fear you always had of hurting me was caused not by you but by “the nameless one”. So much living hell I went through. I look back and laugh at the irony of it. The other major one was when a woman here wanted to be with me. At the time I was borderline suicidal and my emotions all over the place. She let me know of her desire and I found myself saying those words you once said to me. That it was to dangerous so no. She said she would take the risk and I told her no I couldn’t and wouldn’t let her. As I said it I almost laughed at the irony. To make it even more so, want to guess her name? LMAO.

I have bumped into more A’s since I have known you then ever before.

I have long fought these problems as I said. The thing that has helped the most, that has got me through the storm, before I met you since no one understood me, was my intelligence. I have learned many things, including and most importantly, how to tell when an emotional reaction is in conflict to the facts. For example, feeling everyone hates me vs. I know there are some people who love me very much. I figured out that the feeling was not what it should be. I also figured out that even though it didn’t match up, that it was how I felt and that I had to learn to deal with it regardless of it was how I should feel. That my feelings were my feelings and not invalid. Even more than that I figured out that those misaligned feelings were purely emotional. Pretty good for an everyday guy huh? LOL

OK I know, I am far from ordinary. I know I have a lot to offer someone, especially love. I love totally, unconditionally and forever no matter what happens in life.

I also forgive instantly and totally when I love someone. I have also had a friend tell me “not everyone is as self-less as you.”

I figured out as well that I am not a total failure and am a good person, even if at times my emotions make me doubt.

As for would I ever make a good at certain things, I still have doubts. My own mistakes are the cause of that doubt. I have actually come a long way in coping as you see, even if I backslide at times.

The other thing that I have really improved on, my temper. I still have moments here and there but many less than ever before.

Funny thing, once I made my wife leave they decreased, until I was with “the nameless one”, then they increased again. Guess what, they are back down, a lot.

I have fought myself and others since high school to get where I am.

It has been long and hard. Harder at times, easier at others. I have toyed with using the name Chaotic Ventrue in chat. I am chaotic, we both know that lol. Ventrue is a class of vampires, they are usually the princes and ruling class. I once told someone I work with about the torment I endured in high school and her comment was “wow, I am surprised you aren’t a mass murderer.”

I am a fighter even when I don’t want to, part of won’t give up. When I have that bright spot to focus on, that reason I can’t give up, it strengthens me, makes me want to fight harder.

I have walked many dark miles, illuminated at times only by the lightning from the storms that have raged in my soul. Other times I walk in bright and pure light. The Billy Joel songs:”I go to Extremes” and “Angry Young Man” fit me or have fit me almost perfectly over the years.

Too high or too low
There ain’t no in between
And if I stand or I fall
It’s all or nothing at all
Darlin’ I don’t know why I go to extremes
From I go to extremes.

I once promised you I would die for you. Now I make an even more important and much harder promise to you A. I promise to live. That no matter what that even when I am laying here curled up in tears wanting to give up, I won’t. I will fight for my life no matter what.

I hope one day someone will admire me as much as I admire you for all you have accomplished this past year and for being you. Though for some reason I doubt it will happen. As I write this,I have decided that if I ever have a daughter she will be named A. I hope when that day comes, she is even half the person you are. If she is she will be an amazing and wonderful person.

You have had an incredibly powerful and POSITIVE impact on my life.

Thank you for coming into my life. For being such a great friend. Last but not least, for giving me your support now when I need it the most.

Edited: June 24th, 2012

The Road So Far…

I look back over the last five years to see the road behind and see a road of many twists and turns and hills and valleys.

A radical shift in my life started right around this time five years ag someone in late May to early June 2007. I was five to six months removed from separating from my now ex-wife and had just started dating someone I met online.

They lived a few thousand miles away from me, but we had a strong connection. The relationship would change my life forever, even though it would turn out to be brief.

Not long into the relationship, a series of events occurred that led to the young woman almost dying, her being diagnosed with BPD and my blaming myself for what happened.

I blame myself, present tense blame, for what happened to her because I still feel I triggered the nearly fatal events, but that is a different story altogether.

The events led to two major changes in my life. The first change was that I found a therapist for myself. I knew that I would need the emotional support to help me cope with I knew would be challenging relationship at times. I also started going back to a therapist to learn more about BPD and how to safely interact with her. I wanted to make sure that I understood how to interpret her behavior.

I also needed to learn how to put up protective boundaries for both our sakes. At that point, I had no boundaries. I also started seeing the therapist for my own problems, but that was secondary for me at the time. I knew she needed my support and stability.

After a few things happened, none of which being her diagnosis, we had to go our separate ways. That triggered the second major change, I became intent to not just learn everything I could about BPD, but to do everything I could to raise awareness for it and try to prevent others from feeling the same pain I did when we broke up. In essence, it gave my life the purpose I knew was there all along. For over decade I knew that my life was meant to be more than a 9-5 work day, come home spend time with the family life, but until then I didn’t know what that purpose was.

All of this happened within the span of a few months in 2007.

Over the next few years, I would keep seeing my therapist. After about twenty years of struggling, I was finally diagnosed. I was finally able to start properly addressing my problems. During this time I kept reading about BPD, going to conferences on BPD, talking to my therapist about it and trying to connect with as many people with BPD as I could find. I personally have found, that the people with BPD that I have met are some of the nicest and best people I have ever had to pleasure to know. I would much rather have them in my life than most of the so-called ‘normals’ I know.

A lot of what I read and learned, I was able to apply to myself, even before I had any kind of diagnosis. During this time, I was also drawn to the writings and teachings of the current Dalai Lama, including the concept of mindfulness. Between that point and June 2009 I had a series of ups and downs and bad episodes that led to me self-harming.

Things got to the point where a few times I considered signing into a mental health ward for inpatient therapy. I never did sign-in, partly because my therapist did not feel I needed to do so, but also because of work related reasons. I would then start clawing my way out of the pit. I would then to a plateau and feel good, only to have the bottom fall out from under me after a short while. It was a vicious cycle on clawing up and then relapsing.

Finally, around May 2009, I reached a good stable point in my life. My therapist and I agreed that I only needed to come in every other week instead of every week like I had been doing for about two years. My therapist even asked me how I got to the point where I was at, so she could see if there was anything she could leverage to help her other clients.

Things were going well. I started dating my wife, I was making progress in a number of areas of my life that I wanted to make progress in and things were going well.

Note: The link below opens a blog entry on one of my other blogs. Please note that I consider the entry full of severe triggers. It describes a severe auto accident, and includes pictures of the car.  If you are sensitive to these things, do not even think about clicking the link. Be careful.

Then July 3, 2009 came. My wife and I had a severe accident that once again turned my life upside down. The result of the accident was a major relapse. It almost set me back to day one of my time with my therapist.

The last three years, I have been spent clawing and fighting my way back to where I was in May 2009, you can see the struggle in the blog entries on this site.

I do not know that I am there yet, but I am getting close. I am back to only seeing my therapist every two or three weeks and doing  relatively well. I still have hard days and moments, but I am resisting the urge to self-harm. As a rule my outbursts are less frequent, shorter and less intense.

I wonder, if it had not been for the accident, would I have been able to achieve the dreamed of ‘recovery’ or at least remission? I guess there is no point dwelling on what might have happened, and deal with what can and will happen going forward.

Edited: June 20th, 2012

Two Decades of Turmoil (Originally Written September 2008)

Note: The following was a journal entry, from my personal journal, that was written to a friend of mine. I wrote this on September 11,  2008 when I was going through a very hard time and my friend was there for me. Never underestimate the power of a good friend.

The highs and more prominently the lows of mine you see stretching before you are things I have been fighting on and off for 20 years. While I normally have a good measure of stability, I have my periods, as you can see of turmoil. The last 17 months have seen the highest peaks and lowest valleys I ever remember in my near 36 years. My highs have been tied to you directly. My lows, sadly, mostly tied to the nameless one. There has also been a few ironic moments. The two most notable are the fear you always had of hurting me was caused not by you but by the nameless one. So much living hell I went through. I look back and laugh at the irony of it. The other major one was when a woman here wanted to be with me.

At the time I was borderline suicidal and my emotions were all over the place. She let me know of her desire and I found myself saying those words you once said to me. That it was to dangerous so no. She said she would take the risk and I told her no I couldn’t and wouldn’t let her. As I said it I almost laughed at the irony.  I have long fought these problems as I said. The thing that has helped the most, that has got me through the storm, before I met you since no one understood me, was my intelligence. I have learned many things, including and most importantly, how to tell when an emotional reaction is in conflict to the facts.

For example, feeling everyone hates me vs  knowing there are some people that love me very much. I figured out that the feeling was not what it should be. I also figured out that even though it didn’t match up, that it was how I felt and that I had to learn to deal with it regardless of it was how I “should” feel. That my feelings were my feelings and not invalid. Even more than that I figured out that those misaligned feelings were purely emotional. Pretty good for an everyday guy huh?

OK, I know, I am far from ordinary. I know I have a lot to offer someone, especially love. I love totally, unconditionally and forever no matter what happens in life.

I also forgive instantly and totally when I love someone. I have also had a friend tell me “not everyone is as self-less as you.”

I figured out as well that I am not a total failure and am a good person, even if at times my emotions make me doubt.

The other thing that I have really improved on, my temper. I still have moments here and there but many less then ever before.

Funny thing, once I made my first wife leave they decreased, until I was with the nameless one, then they increased again. Guess what, they are back down…a lot.

I have fought myself and others since high school to get where I am.

It has been long and hard. Harder at times, easier at others. I have toyed with using the name Chaotic Ventrue in chat. I am chaotic, we both know that. Ventrue is a class of vampires, they are usually the princes and ruling class. I once told someone I work with about the torment I endured in high school and her comment was “wow, I am surprised you aren’t a mass murderer.”

I am a fighter even when I don’t want to, part of won’t give up. When I have that bright spot to focus on, that reason I can’t give up, it strengthens me, makes me want to fight harder.

I have walked many dark miles, illuminated at times only by the lightening from the storms that have raged in my soul. Other times I walk in bright and pure light. The Billy Joel songs:”I go to extremes” and “angry young man” fit me or have fit me almost perfectly over the years.

Too high or too low There ain’t no in between And if I stand or I fall Its all or nothing at all Darlin’ I don’t know why I go to extremes From I go to extremes.

I once promised you I would die for you. Now I make an even more important and much harder promise to you.

I promise to live. That no matter what that even when I am laying here curled up in tears wanting to give up,I won’t. I will fight for my life no matter what.

I hope one day someone will admire me as much as I admire you for all you have accomplished this past year and for being you. Though for some reason I doubt it will happen. As I write this,I have decided that if I ever have a daughter she will have your name. I hope when that day comes, she is even half the person you are. If she is she will be an amazing and wonderful person.

You are the ONLY person I admire and ever have. You have had an incredibly powerful and POSITIVE impact on my life.

Thank you for coming into my life. For being such a great friend. Last but not least, for giving me your support now when I need it the most.

Edited: March 19th, 2012

A Brief Autobiography – Part 1 (1972 – 1998)

 

Well, my life has been interesting to say the least. It’s been full of its ups and downs both. Pain and joy. Life and death.  Well more death than life really, I have no children, no brothers or sisters so no births aside from a few cousins. 

Growing up I had a pretty good life. My parents were married the entire time, we went on a lot of family vacations all over the US. We traveled to Canada and Mexico as well. They were always there for me and helped me with my school work and took good care of me. They also spoiled me rotten lol. While I was growing up, until roughly my junior year in HS, my family was pretty close, my Grandmother, Great-Grandmother, Uncle,his wife and kids, my Aunt, her husband all were close. We would spend the holidays together, we would see each other almost every weekend at my grandmothers, I would often spend a few weeks each summer staying at my grandmothers house. We would all eat dinner at my grandmothers on the weekends a lot of times. My grandmother was a good cook. I remember being there making popcorn etc.

When my grandfather was still alive, it was even better. He died on his 60th birthday? or somewhere around then, of lung cancer. He was my best friend. We would play all kinds games together. I was only around 10 when he died at the age of 62 ,  we would watch the All-Star Game for baseball together and have root beer floats while we watched it. There was just a lot of happiness.

The worst thing I can remember from my childhood, was early on, the fighting between my parents. I remember hiding under the dining room table scared to death as they yelled and screamed and threw things at each other. Threw pots, pans, glasses, knives, everything and anything.

There were other traumatic events growing up, my mom was epileptic, as I am. I found her a number of times in the middle of a seizure. Two that I remember the most vividly are: she was sitting in her chair drinking coffee downstairs in the kitchen, every muscle locked up and bright red, the other was when I found her face down between my bedroom and playroom drool trickling out her mouth. A third one I remember well, was when the three of us were coming home from the shore, she had one in the car. We were trying to decide what to have for dinner, and she started smacking her lips,like you do when you are trying to decide what you have a taste for, it turns out she was having a seizure. I remember flagging a car down to get an ambulance.

Then roughly in 1989 my life fell apart. It all went to hell. Before I get there though I will rewind to 1986.  September 1986 is when I started HS. In HS I had my share of problems. Life started really being rough then, but I still had my family. When I started HS, I was picked on by everyone in the school, because I wasn’t like them. I wasn’t a nerd (because I didn’t study), I wasn’t a jock and my parents weren’t loaded, I wasn’t a metal head, I wasn’t into cars or chasing girls. I fit in with no one. Hell I didn’t even fit in well with the other misfits!

Everyday it was something new….I would spit at, have my stuff stolen passed around the bus, thrown out windows, destroyed, called so many different names, the one that I cant forget, “Oddo.” That was what they called me, Oddo, because to them I was so odd. It got so bad at one point that my father started taking me and picking me up from school, and it was about 20mi out of his way. That is how much I was being tormented on that damn bus. We complained so many times to school and nothing was ever done, and my parents were paying over 2000$ a year for the school as well as a few hundred for the bus. Nothing was ever done.

Shit one time a kid stole 5$ out of my hand so I chased him to get my money back and I wound up getting an in-school suspension for trying to get my own money back.!!!!!!!!! The good news is that I at least got one kid off my back. He went to the well one time to many with me. I grabbed him and slammed him up against the lockers and told him to leave me alone. I don’t remember the exact words but that was the meaning behind it.  He never bothered me after that.

The two most memorable problems I had were the time I got punched by a shot putter and the time someone tried to set my face on fire.

The first one, the shot putter, his name was Tom, punched me in the kidney on my orientation day! Talk about getting off on the wrong foot. He had said something to me, and I mouthed off to him because he was being a shit to me. I then remember climbing up on the bleachers and jumping down trying to punch him in the neck. I may as well have tried punching a brick wall for all the good it did. He looked at me as if to say…was that fly? He then punched me in the kidney and I dropped like a lead balloon.

The second was person tried to burn my face off. I don’t know why, maybe he was bored, maybe he didn’t like my face. I don’t know.  He started by taking some Binaca and shooting it through a cigarette lighter while aiming it at my face. When that didn’t give him the desired effect, he took a can of Lysol and used that the same way making a little flame thrower out of it. Of course we were on the STAGE by the LIGHT BOARD!…

Is it any wonder I am so screwed up? LOL
As this was going on, I fought with my parents at home over every little thing. My dad hated that I was listening to Ozzy he thought I was going to become a satanist because of it, he wouldn’t let me even think about playing D&D, again he thought I would either start worshiping the devil or become an axe murderer *rme*….

My temper back then was terrible. I would throw shit myself. I yelled and screamed, I would get in someones face screaming at them. Even worse though, I would punch myself as hard as I could, right in the head. I would slam my head against the wall, my fist against the wall. Leaving huge holes. Hell I even remember punching brick walls at times. All that would happen is I would grin and in a twisted way say…”Ahhhh that feels good.”

I remember the times I would just sit and cry and cry and cry. Times I felt that everyone in the world hated me, that everything in the world was my fault. Sitting there begging to die. To stop my heart, let it burst, anything just that I wanted to die. The feeling of being a total failure at everything. Feeling like nothing I did was right. Just hating everything about me, hating everyone. Thats what I used to say, that I hate people. 
My parents always worried that I would wind up getting killed or arrested because of my quick temper. It’s terrible to feel like the whole world hates you. I can’t even think how many times I felt that way. How many tears I shed. I remember sitting there holding a knife to my wrists just wanting to cut them, holding it to my throat…holding a bottle of pills…just wanting to kill myself, but something inside me always stopping me. I remember that make me even angrier with myself, feeling like I was such a fuck up that I couldn’t even end my own misery. At times even feeling like a coward for not have the “guts” to kill myself.

Back to 1989…

In 1989 my mom left my dad and I. She ran off with another man, out to Arizona. I remember sitting there at night with my dad both of us hurting, both trying not to show it. I remember he had to get a new checking account etc so she wouldn’t bankrupt him. Remember how hard that was for him. Her calling him to please come get her…him flying out and bringing her back like nothing happened. Then her taking  off again..not sure if it was the first or second time, the bastard started beating her…by that time she had maxed out her discover card and spent all the cash she had. My dad took her back again, she was diagnose during this whole ordeal as being bi-polar. She finally went into the Carrier Clinic, which was a mental health clinic. She was there for about a month or two. My dad would drive the 30 miles or so, everyday to see her. I went with him at times, I remember going with her and making things out of leather. I remember her making me a leather belt (I think thats what it was, or a leather bracelet). They put her on lithium, which just made her a zombie.

Once she ran off, it destroyed the family. Her own family, which is the one we were so close to her, 
shunned her. They never forgave her for what she did. At that point, I lost my family. All in one swift slice. There was one bright spot, my great-grandmother. She never gave up on us. She understood, and by this point she was in her late 80s /early 90′s. My mom and I would go to see her (she lived with her daughter though). My grandmother, my moms own mother, was cold and heartless to my mom, that’s when she acknowledged her at all. I swear the room would drop 20 degrees at least. It got to the point where I would just go to get my great grandmother by going in the back door and take her back to our house not even speaking to my grandmother anymore because of the whole situation. 

Around this time, I almost lost my mother. She went into a diabetic coma when her blood sugar skyrocketed to over 700. The doctors said that she should have by all rights died with a blood sugar level that high.

Then on Jan 30,1997 the “streak” began. M = Mother’s side , F= Father’s side

On  Sep 29, 1996 my uncle died at 82. (F)
On  Jan 30, 1997 my great grandmother died at 94.  (M)
On  March 16, 1999 my grandmother died at 77. (M)
On  Aug 26, 1999 my aunt died at 87 (F)
On  Nov 10 2001 my uncle died at 55. (M) 
On  Oct 28, 2004 my uncle died at 71 (F)
On  Dec 8, 2004 my mom died at 54. (M) 
On  Feb 20, 2005 my aunt died at 61.  (F)
On  Jun 25, 2007 my uncle died at 54. (F)

When my great-grandmother died, it was terrible on my mom and I. her and I were very close to my great-grandmother.  That funeral was the first time I ever remember seeing my dad cry. Not for himself, but because of what we were going through.

I remember it so vividly. Each step of the process, it got harder and harder on me. I remember I was involved with someone from TN, a hemodialysis nurse named Kim. Every step of the way I kept an empty seat next to me for her. I think everyone thought I was crazy, but it was for her because she was there with me, I remember clutching a crystal heart, something that had a special meaning for us.

I don’t remember how much later it was, a friend of hers from Spain came to visit her and they wound up getting married. She told me about it a month or so afterwards. I just smiled for her and told her I was so happy for her and her daughters. Never for a moment have I been anything but happy for her. I was hurt greatly of course but what could I do. 

In August 1997, I made one of my worst mistakes, I went to meet chance. She was the first one I was ever with and it was exactly one month before I turned 25. Turns out that she was using me, using me for sex. I had actually cared about her and had feelings for her so I got very hurt. For about 6 years, I did not speak to her. I didn’t speak to her again until after 9/11/01, at that point I realized how quick life could end and there was no point in holding a grudge or hating people. 

In May 2002, my wife and I stopped to visit her and her husband, we went out to dinner together. Then Chance and I spent hours talking about things. Which of course pissed her husband off because it was only supposed to be something very short. Chance and I were sitting alone talking, her husband was home and marcia was asleep in the room. Well her husband called the room furious, walking Marcia up asking where the fuck his wife was. Marcia came out to look for us. She found us outside by Chances’ car just standing and talking. Later on Chance told me a few interesting things: 1. That she almost kissed me that time because it just “felt like the right thing” I had to admit that i had felt a similar urge, 2. That she had used me (again) this time to make her husband, Gary, jealous and finally 3. that Gary hated me and would not let me see her ever again, that he even wanted to have a sword fight with me.

Chance would remain on the fringes of my life for a few more years until her and I started sleeping together again at the end of 06 into early 07. This time she used me as well, but this time not for sex, not to make anyone jealous, but for money. I once again became emotionally entwined in a one sided situation. Since I cared so much, I wanted to help her and her girls to try and take care of them as much as I could. Since she was in school , trying to make a better life for her and her girls and was only able to work one day a week since she was now divorced as well, I started giving her anywhere from 200-400 a paycheck to help her out. The times I went down to see her she took that one day of work off to spend with me. I was proud of her at that time because she was trying to do something positive for her life to take care of her girls and improve everyones life. She had seemed to change for the better, I thought she had grown up. Sigh..but like I said she was just using me for the money…as much as things change they stay the same.

Now back in February 1998, I drove down to SC to meet 2 good friends, one of them would become my wife. Marcia and I had talked for 2yrs online and become good friends. I drove down to meet her and Karen. While we were there I instantly fell for Marcia. I remember sitting there on the floor next to her bed the day I had to leave crying because I didn’t want to ever be away. Just sitting watching her sleep. Thinking how much the angel she looked like to me. When she came up to see me for memorial day, I asked her to marry me. We got engaged on the beach at Cape May, NJ at sunset. We then drove down to Washington, DC. Ironic, we went there after we got engaged, and got divorced when we were living there. On the way down, I called my parents to tell them, needless to say, they were not thrilled lol…I remember telling my mom that I was engaged and her saying , no you aren’t. lol…

We stayed engaged for 3yrs almost to the day. We got engaged on 24 May 98 and married on 12 May 01. We were married for 5.5 years until I told her she needed to leave in Dec. 06.

Edited: January 28th, 2012

A Brief Autobiography – Part 2 (2006 to 2008)

By the end of 2006, just one year after moving to Virginia with my wife, my marriage came to a screeching halt. My marriage had been declining for a few years by this point. Everything was gone, the only thing that was left was familiarity and a sense of comfort. The type of comfort that comes from knowing you are not alone. The love, passion, and everything else that makes a relationship special was long gone.

So at the end of the year we separated. My intention was that if the marriage was worth saving, we would realize we needed and missed each other within a year. At first I cried, but only for a short time. It is not a matter of my being a heartless bastard, rather it was that I had already come to terms with the collapse over the last few years as my marriage was dying.

After I dropped her off I drove to see a ‘friend’ the following morning. We began to ‘see’ each other every few weeks. Unfortunately, the relationship, and I use the word loosely, was a big mistake. Nothing good came out of it and it set me back a good amount of money over the six months or so we were ‘involved.’ Eventually, things spiralled into a lot of bad blood and hostility toward each other. When she asked me to come see her and get a room so she could sleep with another guy and use my room to change and shower, that was the end of it.

During all this I was still chatting away online with people and having my cyber romances. Between 2007 and 2009, I had about five or six relationships online and none in real life. The quality of the relationships varied as much as the length.

Oddly enough, the one that last the longest was the biggest mistake, caused me the most emotional trauma and the only one I regret. Conversely, of all the online relationships during that time, the shortest one was the one I remember most fondly and the one that impacted me the must in a positive way.

I will talk more about the relationships shortly.

During this same period, I started taking better care of myself. It was during this time period that I first learned about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), was diagnosed with my mental illnesses, first heard of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), mindfullness and started immersing myself in books by the Dalai Lama.

As I mentioned in part one, in 2005 I attended a public talk by His Holiness the Dalai Lama. This event led to my eventual ‘discovery’ of the concept of mindfulness, even before I heard of DBT or BPD. In late 2005 or early 2006, I began to immerse myself in books by the Dali Lama as a direct result of the talk I attended in 2005.

These books helped me begin the process of healing emotionally and psychologically. They introduced me to the concept of mindfullness. I began to see things differently, I began to understand and learn how to better gain control of my emotions and feelings. The whole time supported by my sessions with my therapist. For the first time life was starting to come together. I was truly starting to feel better about life and myself.

In early 2008, I was finally diagnosed with bi-polar disorder,a condition I knew I had as far back as high school. I finally had confirmation from a therapist. This made all the difference in the world.

I remember when I first found out. I was so excited. The year started off like any other year, but around May I met up with an amazing young lady. We began a relationship online. It would turn into a very short relationship, but it had lasting effects on my life.

The relationship ended not because either of us wanted it to end, but because it had to end. It was because of this relationship that I first learned about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). You see, it was while we were together that because of a near tragic event she was diagnosed with BPD.

When I heard what happened and what her diagnosis was I began to learn everything I could about BPD. I wanted to be able to safely interact with her. I needed to know how to help her and protect myself at the same time.

The more I read about it, the more I learned about myself since there are a lot of similarities between the two disorders. For example, both are characterized by problems with regulating emotions.

While she was in intensive treatment, we learned that there were components of our relationship that were toxic for her. Because of these components we had to end the relationship and go our separate ways.

I will never forget how I felt the day we said goodbye. I was filled with so much rage, pain and hatred. I wanted to share the pain with everyone. I wanted to just beat the hell out of people so that others could feel a small protion of my pain. But I knew I couldn’t do that.

I decided to turn that energy to something positive. I kept studying and learning about BPD, all the time learning more about myself, taking about it with as many people as I could. I started attending conferences on it. I started putting a presentation together on BPD. A presentation that I planned on giving at any local churches that would have me. I printed out flyers and posters from the NEA-BPD about BPD and asked businesses if I could post them. I left behind flyers for people as well.

Edited: January 19th, 2012

Trigger Warning: A Look Back at 2008 (written: December 21, 2008)

Note: This was originally written in December 2008 as a look back at the events of that year.

Trigger Warning: Since this was originally written in 2008, I cannot say with certainity if there are any triggers or not in this post. As 2008 was a difficult year, I assume that there may be one or more triggers. Please read with caution.

Well, with only a few days left in the year it is once again that time of year. It is the time of year to look back on the last year and reflect on the highs and lows. As a whole for me, this past year as simply and totally sucked. It has been the worst year that I ever remember in my entire life. The majority of it racked with pain and heartache it seems.

The start of the year set the tone for the rest of the year. Starting with Brenda hating me from the start because of how the year before ended. I remember at that point feeling my life was worthless and that I was some horrid human being that did not deserve to live. Brenda had been such a big part of my life for the previous four months or so. After what seemed a lifetime of arguing, we finally patched things up, things would last a few more months though they were never the same as before. It seemed she had taken so much back from me until she took everything away from me in May, more about that later though.

Not long after that one of the thing I never wanted to happen did happen – I earned “v”’s rage. I had never wanted to do anything to upset her or hurt her, only wanting her to have good and happy memories of our short time together from the previous year. I remember that night so well. I remember how fully she expressed her rage. It seemed like she was out for blood, to destroy me. The ironic thing is that nothing she said or did hurt me in of it even though that night was devastating to me. It was not her anger or her words that hurt, that I was prepared for because I knew one day that I would experience it for one reason or another. What made that night so devastating was that I knew I deserved it and brought it upon myself. I knew that her hatred and disgust were justified. The fact that I deserved it is what made it hurt so much.

It was knowing I had failed her, something I swore I would never do. Even now when I think about it, I want to cry and beg her to forgive me. I could not defend myself that night; I had no way to defend myself, because there was no excuse for what I had done. Any ‘defense’ would have been nothing but trying to justify something that could never be justified.

The upside of it though was hearing about her happy news, knowing that she had found the right person to share her life with, knowing that she would be safe now. I always feared that she would never forgive me and that even if she did I would never know it since I never expected to hear from her again.

Over the next few months, I would try to re-earn Brenda’s trust and love, but I never did. No matter what I did, she never loved me or trusted me again. I did everything I could think of to re-earn that trust and love, but it came to nothing good in the end. Even so, we still had some good and happy times during that period. After a while she started back away from me slowly, she would only be around for short periods. I remember the long nights sitting here at the computer hoping to get even a few moments with her. I remember how if even saw her just a minute that it made me feel so much better. Then in May, she left me.

Her rage was terrible. For long nights, her and I went back and forth in email, my trying to calm her and soothe her through her rage. No matter what she said, I tried to stay calm and let her rage against me. I hoped that she would get it out of her system so we could work things out. I say her letting her rage, trying to show her love, compassion and understanding. I remember that night when she told me that she hoped I choked, that I would have a flat tire in the morning. Each of her words added another cut to me. I never expected such hate from her.

Some place between these events, I found out that I was bi-polar amongst other things. I remember that it excited me and actually made me very happy. I was finally able to get on medication to help myself. I found myself a good psychiatrist and got myself on a mood stabilizer, Lamictal.

Some time along the way, I thought I found someone new, but a series of things worked against us. The biggest problem was I was not able to get over Brenda. I still wanted her back. Part of it was how I felt about her; part of it too was that I had no say in how things ended. Those things ended for no good reason in my eyes. I was not even close for things to end. The reason that this was so different from when things had ended with “v” the year before, it was that in that case I knew why things ended. They had to end for a very specific reason. A reason that as much as it hurt left me at peace in my heart and soul that I knew it was what was right. When things with Brenda ended, I had no such thing.

In July, I went to Pennsylvania for vacation, to see the Dalai Lama. He was giving a series of lecture on the path to enlightenment. I was never able to get into it because I was wracked with pain and heartache. I started having panic attacks and spiraling out of control. I felt totally lost and abandoned by the world. There was nothing to look toward because at this same time Brenda totally vanished on me. I remember how disappointed I was in her. The time I needed her the most she left me. This intense pain lasted for what seems forever, it lasted for nearly three months.

During this time, I started calling around looking for treatment centers. I had decided that I was going to check into a mental health center, because of how far gone I was. There was a day when I laid in bed until 5p just crying all day, I had to call out of work I was so bad. There were times when I cycled so rapidly through my emotions.

At one point during all this turmoil, “v” came back and started talking to me. This time she was there as a dear and precious friend. As a person who understood what I was going through and who believed in me to get through this. I remember her telling me, the first night she came back that she believed that I could get through this and that I could be stronger the next year. When she said that I damn near cried, those words were words I needed to hear desperately. Once again, she was shining spot in my life. Funny how things work out like that, the year before she tells me how important my support was to her. This year I understand more than ever the truth of that statement. I cannot explain how much her believing in me to overcome things meant to me and how much it helped me.

All this time my anger at Brenda swelled and swelled. The more I felt she was not who I thought she had been, etc. Then one day, she showed me that she was indeed the person I thought her to be all along. She sent me a few messages that I tried to ignore at first, not wanting to get into yet another fight with her. Then she sent me one more message telling me how sorry she was. When I read that message, i knew the truth behind her words.

We started talking again as friends and repairing the damage that had come between us. She and I being able to work through these things, put them in the past, and put away our anger helped me a good deal as well. I could finally close that wound that was still so wide. I was able to find part of what I had lost of myself once more. With each passing day, I started to respect her more and more than I had the previous months, to believe my original view of which she is as a person slowly returning.

On my birthday, I crashed again. None of my friends remembered my birthday. I felt like such a ghost, as if I was wandering through life unseen etc. That night Brenda actually listened to me cry and did not tell me to ‘get over it.’ She did exactly what I had expected from her all along. She listened and comforted me, tried to help me through it.

For about another month or so my depression continued. Then finally, one day it broke. I got put on an anti-depressant and have not looked back. I have moments that have hurt, but nothing that has caused any true hurt or lasting negativity. I have started entering the community, talking to people at the local bar, spending time in social settings, coping with things that do not go my way and just overall being happy.

During all this I started talking with Debra, more then I had the last year or two. Sitting and talking with her on the phone ever now and again. We have had some good laughs and we continue to be good and close friends. A few weeks ago, she got married.

Then not so long ago I sent Liz flowers and admitted to myself and to her how I felt about her. I have not heard from her since then, but I am coping well with that. It kills me that I may have lost her as a friend, but I did what I needed to do for my own well-being. I think part of it is that I may have scared her earlier in the year because when I was going through all that heartache I would sometimes email or text her in the middle of an episode. She once told me that when I sent her messages like that, that she did not know how to react or what to say. I think it has just all overwhelmed her.

Then there was last week. The week was golden for me. I had my labor category changed from Programmer to Senior Programmer, got a great raise and got an award from my company for my performance. Then on Friday, my divorce was finalized ending one chapter in my life and officially starting the next unwritten chapter. It is funny how that chapter ended at the end of the worst year in my life. The New Year is upon us and I am starting a fresh chapter in my life all in once.

I think that about sums up the year.

Edited: December 21st, 2008

Trigger Warning: A Look Back Dec 2006 – Dec 2007 (Written on: January 1, 2008)

Note: This was originally written in January 2008 and was a recap of the prior 13 months from December 2006 to December 2007.

Trigger Warning: This was written at the end of a very chaotic year. There are several disturbing images and triggers within this entry.

Well I for one am thrilled that 2007 is finally over. It was a year of incredible highs and lows for me. It was a year where a lot of changes took place in my life, a year of growth, a year of joy and a year of pain. The high points of 2007 were amazingly high, the low points were devastatingly and dangerously low.

So what happened to make this such an eventful year? *sigh*…where to start..well guess let’s take it from the top. This first thing actually was at the end of 2006, but was so close to the start of 2007 and had a huge impact on the year for me that it needs to be mentioned here. At the end of 2006, after 5.5 years of marriage and 3years of engagement I told my soon to be ex-wife that she needed to leave and drove her down to SC to stay with a friend. This decision had both positive and negative implications for me this past year. On the positive side, it put an end to a great deal of stress and aggravation for me. It also gave me a chance to pursue the  D/s (Domination/submission) lifestyle in real life. I had long considered it an “interest” for me, but within the last 18 months or so I came to realize that it is much more than that for me. That it is what I need, it is who and what I am. On the negative side, the pending divorce has caused me some stress bickering with my ex-wife over the settlement since I feel her demands are quite excessive. It also has left me quite alone at home, most of the time this isnt too big an issue but some days..*smh*..some days its devastating for me, reducing me to tears.

Starting at roughly the same time and continuing into early 2007, I renewed a sexual relationship with someone I knew for many years. Once again, I allowed myself to get way to wrapped up in her and got myself into a world of pain. She was in the same place I was, getting divorced from her husband. She had two little girls and sexual interests that lined up well with mine. At first it was supposed to be devoid of emotions and feelings for each other. Unfortunately, as always I let feelings come forth, and as usual she did not reciprocate. I did everything I could to show her how I felt. That I wanted to be with her and that even though the girls weren’t mine and she could not have any with met that it didn’t matter to me that I would love them as much as if they had been from her and I. During Christmas ’06, I drove down to see her, took a Christmas tree,decorations for the tree, presents for her, champagne, decorated the bed with faux flower petals that read out merry Christmas etc. I went all out for the holiday. When I saw the look on her face I wanted to cry I was so hurt. It was as if it meant nothing to her at all. After that it was all but over. I think I saw her maybe once or twice more in 2007, up until the end of Jan. before it was over totally.

For months I did what I could to help support her and her girls. I was giving her 200-300$ every two weeks usually. Putting it right in her bank account so she could help pay her bills since she was going to school to be a Physical Therapist Assistant and was only working a few hours a week as a result. Given her track record I should have known better than to trust her. She had already used me 2x in the past. Once for sex the second time to make her husband jealous since he knew of our past.  We tried to keep in touch as friends but that fell apart toward the middle of the year. At that point she tried to tell me I OWED her money. Owed her money because I said I would cover a certain bill, but she dragged her feet giving me the totals and doing what I asked and the bill ran up even more. By this time her and I had already broken off our relationship. She had said she felt I only helped her because she was sleeping with me and I felt that she was only sleeping with me because I gave her money. Beyond that she had totally disrespected me in so many ways and it was more than I was willing to deal with so it was over.

After this fiasco I met someone in The Pork that I was very fond of to say the least.  She lived locally to me and I thought that there was a good chance at something rt. This never manifested itself of course. The time we had together was enjoyable but short lived. She was getting ready to move overseas to further her career while in the middle of one assignment that took up most of her time. I saw her a little here and there and then suddenly she vanished. To this day I still have not heard anything from her. I have sent her a few random emails to see how she is and what she is up to but have not heard back.

While she was away I met “v”. “v” I could write many volumes on. There is so much to say about her and the time that we had. Her and I met while I was waiting for the one to come back and became instant friends who had a strong attraction to each other.  We quickly began talking about a future together one day but there were a number of things that needed to be overcome first. Out of respect for her privacy I will not go into the details. Sadly ,the relationship was short lived even though neither of us wanted it to end. There were a variety of reasons that caused it to end, but though it caused a great deal of pain, it was what needed to happen in her best interests. She was one of the highest highs and lowest lows of the year. The time we had together was amazing, the loss of her was amazingly painful.

<I have deleted several paragraphs for privacy reasons>

Now sometime around September or so, my life got devastatingly hard. I don’t know what brought it about for sure, I think it was a combination of all the loss from 2007, the divorce, a lot of hours at work and God knows what else. Since that time though I have been at times borderline suicidal. Feeling that death was the only escape from the pain that ripped at my heart and soul. I spent many hours just curled up crying. At times I would lay there and cry for up to 2hrs just wracked completely by pain. Feeling that I was alone against the world and had nothing to live for, saw no reason to fight, felt I had been fighting my whole life and that it was time to just give up the fight. The pain and sorrow that I have felt is beyond words. I can not properly put them into any words at all. A few years back I wrote a dark poem that does not even begin to show this new pain, but I include it here anyway:Trapped in ones own mind alone and confused,
dark thoughts filling every moment,
spiraling into a deeper and darker sadness.

Dark Questions needing to be answered,
darker answers whispering themselves to you.
Pain and heartache everywhere.

a raging storm deep in my heart and soul
dark waves crashing all around
deafening thunderclaps shaking the ground
streaks of lightening , the only light around,
brightening the blackness to noontime light

at times I long for the days when the pain was only to that level…

also on the loss front  I have lost three important people to me at work this year…my tech lead (Dinesh), my deputy project manager (Denise) and my best friend at the office (lizzie liz). I cried over each of them leaving as all of them were highly valued by me. Dinesh was amazing to me, she believed in me from day one, before I had even proven myself to her. She believed in my even when I didn’t believe in myself. I learned alot from her in the two years we worked together. I miss her guidance, her thoughts and advice so much, even now writing this I am tearing up. Then there was liz..this one devastated me. I cried for 2hrs the night before she was leaving the office. Liz is another truly remarkable person. Just by her walking by you forget your worries and have to smile. It is almost impossible to be depressed around her. I know I have tried to be. She has a geninue concern for people and does not judge you for your beliefs or interests.  I cried to her a number of times over people. She was the only one in the office to truly care and listen. The others I tried to talk to made joke or told me I should change or that I wasn’t good enough to be seen with for one reason or another. Her friendship has come to mean so much to me, losing her from the office has been very hard indeed.

On the upside of things, I got an excellence award in September for my work . I cant tell you how nice that was. From the first day I started at my company I was determined to get one. I finally did after almost three full years of hard work. I also got a chance to get out to NM to meet my ke’chara. Ke’chara has been my best friend now for the last few years and it was so nice to get to meet her finally. I even got to hang out with her husband one day and he showed me how to fire a gun. *G*..that was oddly enough FUN!… also got to meet her two daughters and watch them play softball. It was a good time for sure for me.

Another major thing that happened this year, that one that was using me for money earlier this year, by her own admission, was kicked out of my life once more. Well actually this time it was by her choice. I told her of a hard situation that I was about to face and that she had to choose, to either be my friend and love me unconditionally as such or to leave. The answer she gave me infuriated me especially since it was “well I need to think about it so this isn’t an answer yet” bullshit things…Being an unconditional friend is not something you should need to think about..so I told her that as far as I was concerned she made her decision and to get the fuck lost.

As far as physically, I have gotten myself two tattoos, an earring and grown my hair out to about shoulder length and wear it in a ponytail most of the time now. I also almost always dress in head to toe black outside of work and hardly own anything else then all black.

Let’s hope that ’08 will be much better.

Edited: January 1st, 2008

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