My Struggles (Part 2 – Anger)

Along with my problems with depression, I have severe problems with maintaining appropriate levels of anger. My anger gets so out out control at times that calling it ‘anger’ does not reflect the true intensity of it. At those times, it is more accurate to refer to it as a white-hot rage.

It is at these times that I become self-destructive. I turn my anger inward, I yell and scream, and I throw things. At these times, I have enough self-control not to attack anyone.

It scares those around me. It especially scares and hurts those that love me. They want to help, but they have no idea how to help me. They can’t figure out how to reach me at these times.

The problem is that there is no one right way, no one thing that always works. What worked the last time might add fuel to fire or send me into a deep depression that tears my heart apart. I tell people that one of the best things to do is to let me just burn out.

I also tell people never tell me to calm down or that
I need to calm down. These two phrases are almost guaranteed to intensify my reaction greatly.

During these times I normally know, at least 90% of the time, that my reaction is disproportionate and unacceptable but I can’t seem to reign it in at the moment.

I feel like a monster after these episodes.