My Struggles (Part 1 – Depression)

Previously I have written about the importance of emotions and maintaining control of them. This time this is a more personal take on emotions. Over the last two plus decades, the one symptom that has caused and still does cause me the most trouble is regulating my emotions. I personally have very intense emotions; the problem is that when they get out of control, they push me into a very deep depression or intense rage. I know that for some of you this may sound all too familiar.

It frustrates me when I start to feel a certain way that I know is not true, for example, when I start to feel like a failure. Intellectually I know that I am far from a failure, that yes, there are things that I have failed at and will fail at; however, those failures do not define me, they do not make me a failure, they just mean there are things I cannot do successfully, but then again what human being can do everything successfully? None, everyone has things they cannot successfully accomplish.

That frustration leads to even deep depression and frustration since I know that what I am feeling is not the truth. I accept and acknowledge that my feelings are legitimate in the sense that they are how I am feeling, but I understand that they do not accurately reflect the truth. Understanding the difference at times makes it worse for me though. Since I know the truth, it makes me feel like an even bigger failure because I cannot control them. I just spiral down from there.

At other times, my problem stems from not being able to see that my feelings do not accurately reflect the truth. At these times, my emotions become so powerful, that they overpower logic and truth. I convince myself that my feelings are reality. When I start to perceive my feelings as reality, it drives me toward a long and deep depression.

When you have powerful and intense emotions, it is easy for them to alter your view of reality and cause you to see a much-distorted version of reality. Controlling your emotions can be an uphill battle at times. It may even seem like an unwinnable battle, but you can win it.

While I still struggle with them, there was a point a few years back where I had gained control over them. I believe I would still have that control if it were not for a near fatal auto accident my wife and I had in 2009. That even knocked me backwards in my recovery and I am still fighting to get back to where I was at before the accident. The good news is that I know I will do it. It may be hard, but if I got there once, I can do it again.

If I can do it, you can do it. Do not give you can do it. Believe in yourself and your ability to overcome your challenges, even this one.

Always,

-J