Rush – Good Music, Rushing – Bad Way to Live

I know I have written about rushing about before, but recent events during my daily commute once again bring it to the forefront of my thoughts. While the band Rush may have good music, rushing around in life is not a good thing.

I have seen rushing around cause so many problems over the years it is not funny. I have seen it cause accidents, I have seen people get knocked down, bumped into, I have seen it cause mistakes and cause more quality work products. Not only have I seen these things happen to others, but they have happened to me personally.

Rushing also causes our stress level to increase. When we rush around we constantly think I need to hurry or something that is not desirable will happen. We can easily become, and often do become, consumed with worrying about getting things done quickly. We start cutting corners and taking risks just to accomplish things in less time. The more we cut corners, the more risk we introduce to our lives and the greater the risk of our getting hurt or hurting someone else.

We can avoid the “need” to rush, by taking time to plan ahead and allow ourselves the time we need to get things done. If there are things that we cannot control that affect the amount of time we need, for example the amount of traffic we may encounter on our way to work, and then we should take that in to account and allow a little more time to get things done. There will always be times when no matter how well we plan, we wind up behind schedule and still feel a need to rush. In situations like that, we can let the impulse to rush control us and increase our stress as we start to rush around like chickens with our heads cut off or we can choose to take control of the situation by making a conscious decision not to rush. Choosing to take control of a situation is a step toward taking control of our lives in general. If we can take control in one situation, we can take control of another sitatution, then another and another. Next thing you know, it becomes second nature and we

When we rush we miss out on life, we wind up not seeing the small beautiful things around us. All too often we rush around and ignore the small things. We do not see or experience the things that can bring us joy and peace. We need to learn from Castiel, from Supernatural, and take some time to watch the bees. Watch the clip below, the season 7 episode “Reading is Fundamental, and notice how content and at peace he is. Taking time to “watch the bees” can help us experience contentment and help us be at peace with ourselves, our lives and the world around us.

Using Work Techniques to Help Cope

Recently I wrote an article on Non-Traditional Sources of Help, this article talks about a specific example of using a non-traditional source for help.

At the office we use a software development framework called “Scrum”.

I am not going to go into the full definition or explanation of scrum, but will talk a little about what it is and how it is used at a very high level. Part of the scrum framework involves a “scrum wall” which lists the items we are going to develop for a specific project. You track the items as they move through the various stages of development.

Typically you track the items as ‘user stories’ which are brief statements of what needs to be done on note cards. Each item is scored and you ‘burn down’ the score on a daily basis based on what you have learned from the previous day’s work. Each day, during the daily scrum meeting with your team, you discuss what you did the day before, what you plan to do that day and what impediments you have encountered that need to be resolved. As you begin tasks you move the cards through the various stages, we use the following terms at work:

• Product Backlog – items we need to complete during the release
• Sprint Backlog – items from the product backlog that we will work on during the sprint. A sprint is a pre-defined time frame in which work will be completed.
• In Process – items we have begun to work on but have not finished
• Ready for FQT – items that we have finished our development and testing on and are ready to move to the next stage of the lifecycle.

So, how does this help at home?

This is a technique you can adapt in your home life; especially, if you have a very busy life or feel like you do not accomplish anything. It is also something you can do inexpensively and at multiple levels, making it as detailed or basic as you want. All you need to create a scrum wall is some wall space, note card/sticky pad/paper ripped to smaller pieces, tape and something to write with.

The way I plan to use it, is a very simple version, I am creating two ‘statuses’ for myself, “Backlog/Not Started” and “Started/In Progress”, once I am done, and I will simply throw the card away. I am going to use it for my blog. At times, I stress over what to blog about because I cannot think of anything, at other times I have a ‘great idea’ of what I want to write about but do not have the time to write about it. So what I am going to do is when I have an idea, but no time to write about it, I will complete a card with the topic and put it under “Backlog”, when I run into a case where I cannot figure out what to write about, I will take a card from the backlog and move it to the In Progress area.

In my case, I will not write it as a ‘user story’, rather I will use it more as a way to track my ideas and jog my memory. It will also help me keep track of where I am in the process since sometimes I start something and get side tracked and forget about the topic for months.

You do not need a blog to use this idea; you can use it for anything in your life. For example, use it to plan out your day or your week, or whatever time period you want. At the beginning of the time period, write down all the things you want/need to accomplish and put them in the “Period Backlog”.

Score them with the amount of time you think it will take, if you want. The important thing to remember, the time is just your best guess of how long it will take to complete and that estimate can go up or down based on what you did with it previously. Maybe you think that it will take you two hours to clean your home, but as you get started you realize it will only take an hour or maybe you go into the den and realize that it will take two hours just to find the den, let alone clean it. That is OK, you can revise the estimate.

If you score things, it can help plan your time period. It can help you set realistic goals on what you want to accomplish. Let’s say you have a weekly backlog and you score all the things you want/need to finish that week and you realize that the scores add up to 165 hours and you didn’t put anything up there for sleeping. That would indicate that you are trying to do too much since there are only 168 hours a week, (24 hrs. /day x 7 days/wk. = 168 hrs. /wk.), and you didn’t make time to sleep. What you would do then is go through and prioritize what are the most important things and remove some of less important things to make time for sleep.

If you use scores, burn them down on a regular basis (e.g. daily, hourly, etc.). When you burn a score down what you do is you look back at what you worked on in the previous time period and re-estimate how much time is left on the task. It can go up; it can go down or stay the same.

As you work on the tasks move them from backlog to in progress then to complete when you are done.  This will let you see all the things you have finished and all the things you are working on at any time.

Here are a few important tips if you decide to score things:

1. Set realistic goals, pick an amount of ‘points’ you can realistically accomplish in the time period.
2. Do not forget to leave time to sleep, eat, etc.
3. Do not be afraid to change the estimate up or down. Remember, you are estimating things and your estimates can be wrong. They are just estimates, your best guess.
4. Do not be afraid to leave the estimate where it is. Just because you worked on it, doesn’t mean it is closer to being done. You may have spent an hour cleaning your home, but you still believe it will take two hours to finish. That is OK!
5. Do not be afraid to take things off the board as you are going through the time period if you do not think you will be able to finish everything. Sometimes, we think we can accomplish a lot of things at the start of a week, but as the week goes on, something comes up or takes longer than expected. If something new comes up, either put it on the backlog for the future or if it needs to be done during your time period, take an equal number of things off your current plan. You cannot do everything.

Make sure you move your cards through the various stages. It will provide a visual reminder of exactly what you are accomplishing and have accomplished during the time period as well as help you remember what you need to finish. You can also use to see if you are trying to do too much at any time and adjust how you approach things.

Stress and Emotional Regulation

Have you ever noticed that the more stress in a person’s life the more prone they are to strong emotional reactions? I do not mean just amongst those of us who already face challenges with staying emotionally regulated, but any random person in the world.

That is not mere coincidence, there is a direct relationship between the two. Stress takes a large toll on a person, both physically and emotionally. It has been linked to a large number of health problems. It “eats up” valuable and limited resources that the body has to deal with other things.

A lot of our stress maps back to not having control over something. One example is when you need to have something done by a deadline, but you cannot get it done because you are waiting in someone else to contribute something. There is only so much you can do and after you have exhausted all those options, all you can do is wait. Since things are running late and you cannot do anything you get stressed.

Another popular cause of stress is when you are overwhelmed and being pulled in too many directions at once. The more people that want something from you, the more things you have to try to juggle. The more things you have to juggle, the less time you have available to do any of it.

There are volumes of books, papers, seminars and videos that tell you how to combat stress and make your life easier. For me, two of biggest ways to combat stress are, distract myself from what is causing the stress and accept that I am doing everything possible to get the result I want.

Distraction techniques work very well and there are an unlimited number of things you can do to distract yourself. I find getting outside and enjoying nature to be very relaxing, playing various types of video games, photography and getting lost in my thoughts on enjoyable topics to be very helpful.

Some of the thoughts I get lost in are pure fantasy in nature, for example, planning universal conquest and domination. Others are me philosophical and intellectual in nature. An example of these kinds of ideas are multiverses,  infinite dimensions and pondering if time is a “real” dimension or just an abstract concept man created to better understand their surroundings. I also enjoy more practical mental exercises like looking for patterns in numbers or calculating square roots in my head.

One great thing about distraction techniques is that there are plenty of them that are free and do not require anything but yourself. They do not need to make sense to anyone else, they just need to work for you.

You Cannot Solve Everyone’s Problems

“You cannot solve everyone’s problems”. When you hear this it seems obvious; however, it was one of the more difficult concepts for me to “get through my thick head”.

For years people, I mean just about anyone who knew me, would tell me it over and over. I would nod my head and swear I knew. Then the next time, sometimes with the next breath, I was back to trying to solve someone’s problem. I am sure that more than one person wanted to just grab me and shake me until I finally got it. Thank goodness they had more self-control of their impulses than I did.

I have been told that I am an empath.  Along with that is the fact that my personality type is the ‘rescuer/hero/protector’ personality type.

I went to absurd levels of thinking I could solve everyone’s problems. For example, one time my friend was at risk of losing their home and because I couldn’t “fix it” for them, I felt like I had failed.

Another time I went so far as to pray to be allowed to take any suffering that was intended for another person so they could have a happy life. It was someone who I wanted to be with, but couldn’t. Since I couldn’t be there with them to care for them and protect them, I wanted to take their pain. It was the last thing I could do to try to help them.

It wasn’t until I learned and got a handle on radical acceptance that I was able to finally break this habit. Radical acceptance finally let me comprehend one very important fact. The fact that there are things I just cannot ‘fix’, there are things beyond my control.

It was radical acceptance that helped me learn to put up boundaries. I still have to remind myself at times that I cannot solve everyone’s problems for them. I remind myself it is not just OK to want to help, that it is a good thing, but that I cannot solve everyone’s problems.

Two other key discoveries came out of this understanding. The first, if the problem does not get resolved, it is not my failure. It is simply something outside of my control, and that is OK. I cannot control everything.

The other important thing was that even though I want to help, I cannot take responsibility for another person’s problems. I can help them with their problems, but I cannot own their problems. 

What made this constant mindset of having to solve everyone’s problems  dangerous for me was that I would always try to solve everyone else’s problems while ignoring my own. I would neglect and bury my problems. I can assure you, that is not a healthy thing to do.

“Helpful” People and Ethical Dilemmas

Sometimes people can cause problems for us by solving problems for other people. Usually this is not the person’s intent; however, by trying to help someone else their solution winds up shifting the problem to another person or creating a new problem for someone else.

This brings about its own challenges. If the person that the problem is being shifted from is someone you care about, how do you handle it? It introduces an ethical dilemma. It is right to take care of yourself and push back on the solution, but it is also right to help other people.

There is no formula that you can plug a few variables into and get an answer. You do not want always to choose yourself at the expense of others, but it is equally unhealthy to always put the other person first.

If you choose the latter and are always self-sacrificing, you will never take care of your needs and cause harm to your own health and damage or even prevent yourself from recovering. If you always choose the former at worst you risk bringing harm to others, at best you come across as not really caring about the other person and damaging your relationship. You need to evaluate each situation as they occur and try to find a middle ground when possible.

If we look at Dr. Kidder’s book, How Good People Make Tough Choices: Resolving the Dilemmas of Ethical Living, he provides nine steps for dealing with ethical issues. These steps are meant as a guide to help in making ethical decisions and not necessarily a step-by-step instruction manual.

1. Recognize that there is a moral issue.
2. Determine the actor.
3. Gather the relevant facts.
4. Test for right-versus-wrong issues.
5. Test for right-versus-right paradigms.
6. Apply the resolution principles.
7. Investigate the “trilemma” options.
8. Make the decision.
9. Revisit and reflect on the decision.

Like the skills we learn through DBT, the process of resolving ethical dilemmas require practice and commitment. The value and benefit we gain from the practice and commitment are worth it. It is worth it because the more we are able to live in moral alignment, studying true to our values, the more ethical we live the more we improve the quality of our life, the lives of those around us and reduce our stress.

Major Stressor and Anxiety

Right now I am facing a big challenge. Recent events at my apartment complex have left new feeling threatened, unsafe, victimized and like my wife and I have no right to privacy.

The place we thought and wanted as our home for the foreseeable future no longer feels welcoming to me. The complex instead fills me with hatred, rage, disgust and contempt. Other than one person in the office, my feelings about the complex extend to the staff.

It seems that we have no right to expect privacy. Not only do we not have that right, but people who are looking into our apartment from outside can dictate what we do in our home. We are the ones who get yelled at, not the people looking into out apartment. When I went to check the mail on Monday there was a note from complex on my door. When I opened it said we were in violation of our lease and if we didn’t fix the problem they would evict us. This upset me a lot since it had some generic reason with no details of what we needed to fix. This was the first I had ever heard of a problem.

I talked to the office yesterday and found out what it was and was once more told if it happens again we would be thrown out. They also allege that they sent out two prior warning. Two warnings I never saw. They of course say they have copies of the notices. I should have asked for copies then to make sure they really had them. By now they have had plenty of time to put something together and back date it. I am on my way home and dreading checking the mail. I am so worked up over it that I am having chest pains and an upset stomach.

Non-Traditional Sources of Help

When we think about various sources of information that can help us and inspire us, we typically think of the more obvious sources, for example, we think about sources like therapists, psychology texts and journals, and things like faith and prayer. While those are definitely good sources, they are not the only places we can find help, inspiration and inspiration.

 

In this article, I will briefly talk about a few non-traditional sources. I am planning to talk about the various items in more detail over the next few months, as well as a few others not talked about in this article.

One non-traditional area is ethics.

Currently, I am re-reading a book by Dr. Rushworth Kidder, which I first read in 2008, titled How Good People Make Tough Choices: Resolving the Dilemmas of Ethical Living. As I read the book, it reminds me of how many things I found valuable for improving my mental health.

Using this book add an example, it explores the concept of how to deal with situations that are not cases of right vs. wrong, but rather cases of right vs. right. The very concept of there exist situations where both choices are ‘right’. The basic concepts within the book can be expanded, with some thought, to apply to other areas in life. Even beyond that though, the book itself does help with how to resolve ethical dilemmas. Figuring out how to resolve any kind of dilemma makes our lives easier, it removes a stress point.

I plan to write more about this book, as well as Dr. Kidder’s book Moral Courage in the coming months.

We can also find help by identifying our personal strengths and talents. When we come to understand what our strengths are, we can look for ways to use those strengths. This is very different from finding out our weaknesses are, and more uplifting. I can think of hundreds, literarily, of things, I am not good at, but that only helps a little and looking at the list can be depressing. However, if I find the things that I am the strongest in, it is by its very nature positive rather than negative. It also lets me look for things that I can excel in rather than telling me things to avoid because I might fail at them. It sets me up to succeed and thrive as opposed to preventing me from falling. There is a significant difference between succeeding and not failing.

The difference between succeeding and not failing will be a topic of a future entry as well.

One last area that I am going to touch on is learning to read body language. I know that this sounds like one that is way out there, but learning to read body language can be a very useful tool for us. A person’s body language can tell us a lot about a person’s feelings about a situation, whether they are being open and honest, closed off, angry, etc. I personally think this is a very important to learn about and master. While we may be better than the other groups at telling when a person is expressing negative emotional facial expressions, we do not do so well with identifying neutral or positive expressions. Being able to read body language, including facial expressions, can help evaluate any given situation.

Understanding body language also allows us to be aware of the image we are projecting. In either case, reading other people’s body language and being aware of what our own body language is saying, allows us to reduce confrontation with other people and lower our stress. It can help make life easier.

Below are a few books that I have found useful over the years.

• Moral Courage –   Kidder, Rushworth
• How Good People Make Tough Choices: Resolving the Dilemmas of Ethical Living – Kidder, Rushworth
• Strength Finder 2.0 –  Rath, Tom
• Now, Discover Your Strengths – Buckingham, Marcus and Clifton, Donald O.
• The Definitive Book of Body Language – Pease, Barbara and Pease, Allan
• Enhanced Detection of Emotional Facial Expressions in Borderline Personality Disorder – Schulze L. · Domes G. · Köppen D. · Herpertz S.C.  (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23006779)

 

 

January – Long and Cold

This past month has been a long and cold month in several ways. There has been a lot going on here for both my wife and I which has consumed a lot of my time and energy. A lot of the stress that has cropped up this past month has been related to money. I am looking for a new project within my company to reduce this stress by allowing to have more financial growth.

This is very unfortunate because I love the project I am on and hate to leave it; especially, since I have been on the same project for over seven years. The system I work on has become like my kid. When I started at my job it was about 1/4 the size it is now. I have been involved in the development and refinement of just about every single area of the system.  However, when I made the decision to look for another project, I knew it was the right choice. I thought it out before I made the decision and weighed the pros and cons of it. When the time came, I was at peace with it.

Adding to the stress has been the fact that one item I have been working on at the office has not gone as smoothly as I would like. There is really nothing more I can say about that.

There are other things I could go on about, but I see no reason to go into more detail. I will just say that overall January has just been rough for me. It has been the roughest month in the last year for me. There have been a couple of episodes and an increase in stress levels; however, I have been able to avoid self-harm.

Actually, as I write this and think back, the month has had several rough patches, but as a whole it was not as bad as I first thought.

This was really meant as a fast update so that people know I am alive and well. I plan to put up a new entry and get back on track this weekend.

Your Surroundings Matter – Office Edition

As I mentioned in the article, Your Surroundings Matter, one of the easiest things for us to control is our environment, which is a good thing since our environment has a big impact on our mental health. While we have more control over our environment at home then we do at the office, we still do have some degree of control at work. Unfortunately, when we are in a public environment we need to operate within constraints put in place by other people. For example, one constraint that I need to work within at the office is that we cannot have anything plugged in other than our computers and phones. This constraint prevents me from keeping an electric relaxation fountain at my desk, which is one thing that I used to use to help me deal with stress at work.

Controlling your environment at work is much the same as it is at home; however, you are limited to things that respect other people’s space, rights and privacy and do not cause any disturbance. Admittedly, working in an office at a computer all day, provides me with options not available to someone who works on the sales floor in a retail environment; however, it is still possible to control things in a retail setting. I will talk about that later in this article.

The first thing to keep in mind, is you cannot control the people around you, that part of your environment is beyond your control. So you need to focus on the things you can control.

One of the most important things I can recommend is before you do anything, make sure your office allows you to do them. Some places are more lenient than others. If you are not sure, check first.

If you are like me and spend a lot of time at your desk and on a computer, then the best place to start is with your sense of sight. There are a few very simple things I do to appeal to my sense of sight. It is important to keep objects  that are calming, soothing and that reinforce positive thoughts in your line of sight. I keep a picture of my wife and I on the wall right in front of me, there is no way I can miss it. I also have a picture of my cat as the wall paper on my computer. Typically, I keep a souvenir from my honeymoon on top of one my computers. This way when I turn to talk to someone, I can see it out of the corner of my eye and it reminds me of positive experience. This helps during stressful conversations.

A few other things you can keep at your desk, flowers (fresh or silk), any form of positive recognition, a stuffed animal that reminds you of a loved pet. Anything positive and allowed.

The other main thing I use at work, is my sense of hearing. I always carry my iPod and headphones with me. This helps during the commute as well. When I am at my desk and not involved in a conversation, I keep my headphones in and listen to music that I find relaxing and/or enjoyable.  Some of the music I listen is ‘normal’ to most people, even if they do not like it. For example, music like Kansas, Blue Oyster Cult, Bon Jovi, Bob Seger, Styx, Will Smith, and so on, no one would question as ‘normal music’; however, some of the things on my iPod would make most people shake their head. The best examples of this type of music are my Marine and Army Cadence, both running and marching, and my WWE entrance themes.

Don’t have an iPod? Not a problem, if you have a computer at work and are allowed to you can do a few different things. First you can bring in CDs and play them in the CD drive. A second option is to find an internet radio station you like and listen to that. Finally, you  can always listen to stuff on YouTube.  Make sure you know your company’s policy on computer use first though.

Finally, you can find ways to control your sense of smell. Now, you need to remember, it cannot be something overpowering that will intrude on other people’s space. The fact that you are in a shared environment makes smell a more challenging sense to deal with at work. If you are allowed, fresh flowers are always nice to have. They appeal to both your sense of sight and your sense of smell. If you work in close quarters with other people, you may want to ask them if they have any allergies to flowers before you bring some in to the office. Making others miserable will not help your environment in the long run. If you cannot have fresh flowers, and some places do not allow them, you may want to look into some potpourri for your desk.

Now, I mentioned at the beginning of this article, that I would talk about handling your environment in a retail setting. Unfortunately, you are more limited in a retail setting, but you can still do things to help yourself. When you are in a retail setting, you need to redefine your environment. You need to redefine it to you since you always have control over your own body.

Two simple things you can do in this type of setting is to wear an article of clothing that you find comforting or that makes you feel better about yourself.  The other thing you can do, and it is something I do, is wear something like a necklace or another piece of jewelry that you can touch to help ground yourself when you feel stressed or upset. I have two different necklaces that I wear regularly. If you have a locker where you work, you can put up photos just like you would at home or the office.

 

Your Surroundings Matter

One thing that we often overlook when dealing with our mental health is our environment, yet it is one thing that is the easiest for us to control on a daily basis. The things that our senses take in can have a huge impact to our state of mind. After all, our senses are how we interact with our world. It is why treatments like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) teach people to use their senses to self-soothe in times of distress. This is an effective technique for many people.

Life does exist beyond times of distress, I know there are times it may seem like that is a lie, but life really does exist beyond times of distress. One of the best ways to avoid periods of distress is to find effective ways to prevent them. For me one thing that helps prevent them or at least helps cut them off when they are trying to start is by controlling my environment as much as possible. I primarily control my environment through the sense of sight, but I also make use of my senses of smell, touch and hearing, but to a  lesser extent.

To help control my environment through sight, I keep things that are visually soothing, positive and relaxing to me all over my apartment. Almost everywhere I look, there is something that has a positive impact on my mental state. On the wall behind where I sit, I have plaques with various bible verses in earth tones, on the wall above where my dining room table would be I have three plaques with the Chinese characters for Friendship, Good Luck, and Good Fortune. In my hallway I have quotes from the Dalai Lama hanging above my washer and drier and a Irish Wedding Blessing on the wall before you enter the master bedroom.

Since  I spend a lot of time on the computer, that area has more reinforcing material than just about anywhere else in my home. In front of my I have performance awards, on my left I have certificates of appreciation from the Assistant Attorney General and on my right I have my college diploma. Above my head, I keep my books on psychology, most of which focus on BPD and treatment types, my computer books, my books on leadership and ethics. All these books have a positive impact on me for one reason or another. I will talk more about that in a different article. No matter where I look, I am surrounded by things that remind me that I have accomplished things and reinforce a positive self-image. Behind me is the washer and dryer and as I said I have quotes from the Dalai Lama there. I even have a soothing image hanging in my bathroom and on the opposite wall from my bed.

On my bookcase in the living area, I have my ‘Spot Award’ for work I did in 2011 and my award for 5+ years of service with my company. There is one last way that I control my environment through sight. I do that by the television that I watch. A lot of the shows I watch are comedies, but I also watch a few dramas like N.C.I.S. and Elementary along with Supernatural. The comedies make me laugh and provide a ‘positive vibe’, the dramas keep my mind engaged and appeal to my analytical side and Supernatural appeals to the part of me that enjoys fantasy, the idea of ‘good vs. evil’ and ‘monsters’. Supernatural provides me an escape from reality. I may do a separate article just on Supernatural and its impact on my mental health.

Television also provides a great way of affecting your environment through sound. It can be the music featured in the show, the theme songs, the laughter from the audience or just the voices of the people acting. Another way I affect my environment through sound is I keep a Tibetan Singing Bowl on my bookcase which I use to soothe myself. I am still trying to learn how to use it. I can get it to sing, but I am far from an expert with it.

My sense of smell is the one that I do the least for, but even though I do not do a lot it still has a considerable impact. When it comes to smell, I burn scented candles, incense and scented oils. I do not burn them all at the same time. I choose candles and oils that have an appealing smell to me or that remind me of pleasant places. Incense has a very calming affect on me. I typically use incense from India or Tibet.

Finally, I come to touch. When it comes to my sense of touch, I have a very affectionate cat. She provides constant entertainment and loves to have someone pet her. There is something, about petting a cat that is in itself soothing and calming.

When it comes to work or commuting, I have less control over what I take in and how many things I can surround myself with at any given time. I will talk more about work and commuting environments separately.

These are some of the things that work well for me and help me. You may have very different things that work for you. It is about finding the things that work for you and surrounding yourself with them.