Two Decades of Turmoil

Note: I wrote this on September 11, 2008, a week before my birthday. At the time I was going through a very difficult time. This was originally an entry in one of my journals on http://www.livejournal.com and addressed to a very special friend “A”. If you have read other entries in my blog or know me well, you will have heard me talk about a young woman with BPD.

The highs and more prominently the lows of mine you see stretching before you are things I have fought on and off for 20 years. While I normally have a good measure of stability, I have my periods, as you can see of turmoil. The last 17 months have seen the highest peaks and lowest valleys I ever remember in my near 36 years.

My highs have been tied to you directly. My lows, sadly, mostly tied to “the nameless one”. There has also been a few ironic moments. The two most notable are the fear you always had of hurting me was caused not by you but by “the nameless one”. So much living hell I went through. I look back and laugh at the irony of it. The other major one was when a woman here wanted to be with me. At the time I was borderline suicidal and my emotions all over the place. She let me know of her desire and I found myself saying those words you once said to me. That it was to dangerous so no. She said she would take the risk and I told her no I couldn’t and wouldn’t let her. As I said it I almost laughed at the irony. To make it even more so, want to guess her name? LMAO.

I have bumped into more A’s since I have known you then ever before.

I have long fought these problems as I said. The thing that has helped the most, that has got me through the storm, before I met you since no one understood me, was my intelligence. I have learned many things, including and most importantly, how to tell when an emotional reaction is in conflict to the facts. For example, feeling everyone hates me vs. I know there are some people who love me very much. I figured out that the feeling was not what it should be. I also figured out that even though it didn’t match up, that it was how I felt and that I had to learn to deal with it regardless of it was how I should feel. That my feelings were my feelings and not invalid. Even more than that I figured out that those misaligned feelings were purely emotional. Pretty good for an everyday guy huh? LOL

OK I know, I am far from ordinary. I know I have a lot to offer someone, especially love. I love totally, unconditionally and forever no matter what happens in life.

I also forgive instantly and totally when I love someone. I have also had a friend tell me “not everyone is as self-less as you.”

I figured out as well that I am not a total failure and am a good person, even if at times my emotions make me doubt.

As for would I ever make a good at certain things, I still have doubts. My own mistakes are the cause of that doubt. I have actually come a long way in coping as you see, even if I backslide at times.

The other thing that I have really improved on, my temper. I still have moments here and there but many less than ever before.

Funny thing, once I made my wife leave they decreased, until I was with “the nameless one”, then they increased again. Guess what, they are back down, a lot.

I have fought myself and others since high school to get where I am.

It has been long and hard. Harder at times, easier at others. I have toyed with using the name Chaotic Ventrue in chat. I am chaotic, we both know that lol. Ventrue is a class of vampires, they are usually the princes and ruling class. I once told someone I work with about the torment I endured in high school and her comment was “wow, I am surprised you aren’t a mass murderer.”

I am a fighter even when I don’t want to, part of won’t give up. When I have that bright spot to focus on, that reason I can’t give up, it strengthens me, makes me want to fight harder.

I have walked many dark miles, illuminated at times only by the lightning from the storms that have raged in my soul. Other times I walk in bright and pure light. The Billy Joel songs:”I go to Extremes” and “Angry Young Man” fit me or have fit me almost perfectly over the years.

Too high or too low
There ain’t no in between
And if I stand or I fall
It’s all or nothing at all
Darlin’ I don’t know why I go to extremes
From I go to extremes.

I once promised you I would die for you. Now I make an even more important and much harder promise to you A. I promise to live. That no matter what that even when I am laying here curled up in tears wanting to give up, I won’t. I will fight for my life no matter what.

I hope one day someone will admire me as much as I admire you for all you have accomplished this past year and for being you. Though for some reason I doubt it will happen. As I write this,I have decided that if I ever have a daughter she will be named A. I hope when that day comes, she is even half the person you are. If she is she will be an amazing and wonderful person.

You have had an incredibly powerful and POSITIVE impact on my life.

Thank you for coming into my life. For being such a great friend. Last but not least, for giving me your support now when I need it the most.