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Lack of a True Identity

I am still feeling the effects of yesterday some, but nowhere as bad as earlier and yesterday. The annoying part though, is that it is still there, but even more than that, is that I am pissed with myself. I always have identified myself more by my relationships/jobs/etc than internally. It has been a majority of external factors. It has always been

I am my parent’s son
I am M’s husband (well ex now lol)
I am a business analyst
I am a friend to _______
I am the person that helps this person/people

Don’t get me wrong, all those things are indeed part of who I am and add meaning and value to my life and identity. They add a great deal of fulfillment. I just feel that I define myself more by those things than anything else. That I need the validation from others to feel alive and important. I feel at times that without it that I am just a ghost, an observer in life, that I am abstract not concrete. That’s why when I am involved with someone and they aren’t around I get so depressed. I miss them like crazy yes, but I also start to panic..”Do they remember me?,” “Did I say or do something wrong?,” “Are they leaving me?,”Did they find someone better?,” “Do they still love me?.” Side note here, I did not panic last year, I knew why, I understood it, and knew it had to happen. My questions then were “Is she ok?,” “Is she getting the help she needs?,” “Is it helping her?,” etc…

But yeah, I identify more with who I am to others than I do with who I am internally. It just pisses me off that I feel that I need to have others validate me more than I need to do it myself. Yes we all need external validation at times, but I feel it is too often with me. There are places where I desperately seek your validation, BUT…

I am grateful that you have not validated or invalidated me in those places. Until I can do it for myself it won’t help, it will only hurt. If you validated me now, I would never believe it, if you condemned me, it would devastate me. So thank you for having the wisdom not to say anything either way.

Note: I originally wrote this in September 2008 in one of my journals. It was directed toward a particular person. You know of her by now if you follow my blog even semi-regularly.

Posted: June 27th, 2012 under My Journey.

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