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The War within Me

There are times, like the last few days when I am waging a war within my mind. A war between my logical/intellectual mind and my emotional mind. The problem with this is that my emotional mind is not always very ‘friendly’ to me.

My  mind is a bit irrational at times. Unfortunately, when my emotional mind becomes irrational, it sometimes begins to overwhelm my intellectual mind. This is in part due to the fact that I have trouble regulating my emotions.  The problems regulating my emotions have caused me more problems that most of my other symptoms.

The last few days have been difficult for me on this front. My wife has struggled emotionally. This has left me feeling a bit powerless since there is only so much I can do. Nothing I can do seems to help much, or at all.

While I accept that there is only so much I can do and that I cannot ‘make it all better’, it is still proving to be a problematic situation. You see, there is a part of my mind that keeps whispering to me that I am failing my wife. It keeps trying to get me to believe that everything is my fault.

I know what my mind is whispering is a steaming load of bull and I reject that lie totally. Yet it still brings me down some. No matter what I seem to do, it will not go away. I am struggling to banish the thought from my mind. I accept that I will struggle and have times like this. It comes with the territory of being me.

Part of the problem is that the other day I dropped my barriers and my boundaries to open myself up to her pain. I dropped to try to absorb some of her hurt in the hopes that it would help her. I also hoped that I could safely handle it and process it. You see, I have had friends in the past tell me they believe I am an empath, so I  have to be very careful when I do things like this. I do not know if they are right or not, but I do know that at the very least I am very empathetic.

That one afternoon of dropping my barriers almost overwhelmed me. Dark visions flashed through my mind in vivid images at times. The good thing though, is that I did not accept them or even consider them as viable or desirable actions. It took me about a day and half to ‘recover’ from the barrage of emotions.

Posted: May 25th, 2012 under My Journey, Thoughts.

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