A Recent Personal Anxiety Attack and Sense of Failure

Ever since the phone call from my wife yesterday I have had some degree of anxiety and  felt like a failure. Every since that call I wanted to break down in tears and race home.

Unfortunately I was at work, with my work day only about half over, so I didn’t have the luxury of breaking down. I also couldn’t just pick up and run home.

Last night when I finally got to bed, after a few hours of fighting vampires and completing quests in Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines, I laid down and started tossing and turning trying to get comfortable like any other night. The difference was after a few minutes of trying to get to sleep I finally had my chance to cry.

I cried for what seemed like a lifetime, overwhelmed with a sense of failure, but was probably more along the lines of five to ten minutes. After I finally stopped crying I laid there staring at the ceiling still feeling that sense of failure.

I guess I should take a step back and explain what happened and the reason for my wife’s phone call. During the middle of the day the fire alarm at the hotel went off. Under normal conditions this would be a traumatic event for anyone. Unfortunately, the conditions for us are anything but normal.

Two years ago my wife and I were in a severe accident that resulted in my wife being severely injured. As a result if the accident she was disabled physically. The good news is she should regain most of the mobility she had before the accident.  However, after two years she is still recovering and going through physical therapy.

So when the alarm went off, the cat got really scared and would not come to my wife. She was trying to figure out how to get the two of them out safely. This cat its the sweetest, most living animal I ever met. She means the world to both of us.

At the same time, the fire alarm is blaring, the emergency strobe light is flashing. This added to my wife’s stress because she is also epileptic and the strobes could cause a seizure. So she called the office and explained the situation to them. They of course had no clue as to why the alarm was going off. Thankfully, it was a false alarm and no real danger, but it has still left me feeling like I failed them and let them down. When they needed me the most I was not there to take care of them. I was at work, an hour and a half away.

The reason my wife, cat and I are staying at the hotel is because of some water damage to the apartment. So while the apartment complex finishes up work in our master bedroom  from Hurricane Irene and Tropical Storm Lee we are staying in a hotel.

This isn’t the first time I haven’t been able to be there when they really needed me. During the earthquake on the east coast of the US, I was stuck at work. That day it took me almost five hours to get home. So twice in the last month, I have not been there when they needed me the most.

Today, more than 24 hours later I still feel the same way. Even now as I write this I am crying. It has done a number on me.